I, Anonymous 

All Aboard the Ass Train

Portland has a great public transportation system, and I ride it nearly every day—but some of its riders literally stink. Literally! Yes I mean, YOU: the one who thinks he/she can innocently blow ass during rush hour commutes, hoping it won't smell bad while indifferently reading your second-rate paperback novel, or bobbing your head to your iPod. The way your obviously talented anus manages to triumphantly sneak one out silently disgusts me. And that you don't apologize for your butt-stench, despite your embarrassment (especially to the patient person behind you), disgusts me more. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but the weather has sucked lately, forcing more people to ride public transit, and your ass-stench nearly drives me to walk in the rain, rather than tolerate your flatulent perfume. Trust me, you don't make the best deodorizer.

I don't expect you to hold your scent between your ass cheeks, but either eat different food, pre-medicate with some Beano, or at least, for ventilation purposes, stand near the train doors, for Christ's sake. A lot of us have to deal with shit at work and more of us don't want to deal with it during the commute home, too.—Anonymous

Read more I, Anonymous here

To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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