KALAH ALLEN

To the unctuous, condescending, school marm-ish, self-righteous, natural foods staffer: There are many of you, hating your life and your job at the Upscale Natural Foods Store. You have a college degree, don't you? And your talents are sorely unused, and your brilliance unappreciated? I feel your pain. I too am brilliant and underappreciated. And yes, I do see that there are tongs for picking out the cheese cube samples. The subtlety of your pointing that out to me is deeply impressive. That post-modernist lit course you took did not go to waste after all! But you failed to explain how the odds of my infecting the other tiny cheese cube samples, or of picking up an infection from those other samples—none of which I touched with my deft ability to touch solely the one I took—are greater than the 100 percent odds that any contamination on my fingers will be left on the tongs, as well as the 100 percent odds that anyone before me who used the tongs will leave their contamination on the tongs. If you really give a fuck about cleanliness, haul your ass over to the dining area. The tables are filthy.—Anonymous