I, Anonymous 

The Sitter

It has been almost one year now. I can still recall the panic I felt when I received the call from you telling me that you guys were back a day early! My immediate thought was, "Can I make it to their house before they return from the airport?" It was quickly apparent that it would be too risky, since I was at work and leaving would have jammed us all up. I think I deleted all the porn, but explaining all the wads of tissue and where all your wine went was becoming a hellish prospect. And fuck, did I close her underwear drawer? Does it look like someone rifled through it? I never unclogged the basement toilet from that deuce I dropped, and the nice towels from the master bedroom that were used to sop up gallons of dog piss were still on the washer, I think. So when you called and asked me if I was able to watch your place again this Christmas, I said, "Sure." Why not?—Anonymous

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To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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