I, Anonymous 

Feces: For a Brighter, Whiter Smile!

Dear Annoying Roommate:

I see that you have placed your toothbrush in a mug and then placed that mug on the back of the toilet seat. While I find this an interesting, if not vile, choice, it is not one I will argue with. There are so many annoying things you do, like smack your lips like a goddamn eight-year-old when you eat, steal my beer, and put YOUR fucking underwear on the same goddamn rack as MY hand towel (which forced a rewash). You then proceed to call me out for leaving a dish in the sink? Therefore, I will not remind you that when we take a poo and flush the toilet, a cloud of fecal particles fills the air, contaminating everything nearby. I will not point out that your toothbrush is at the very epicenter of the shit cloud, getting covered in all manner of fecal particles and bacteria—and thus when you brush you are literally smearing shit all over your mouth and teeth.

And while I will not point out the stupidity of your disgusting decision, I have to ask: HOW'S MY SHIT TASTE BITCH!?—Anonymous

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To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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