Illustration by Kalah Allen

I don't belong to this gym because I'm trying to save the Earth. I belong to it because it's two blocks from my apartment. And for the most part, the people with whom I share the gym don't bother me. But some of you fuckers— come on. First there was the woman who insisted on turning off all the goddamned lights in the room while she worked out. People would walk in the front door, hit the lights, and she'd rip out her headphones and interrupt her intense elliptical session to say, "Could you please keep the lights off??" as if someone had just walked in on her taking a shit. Uh, no, this is a gym and people will trip over shit and hurt themselves if it's pitch black. Fuck you. I've seen people chide others for leaving fans, TVs, treadmills, etc., "turned on" when the target of their chiding wasn't even using the item in question. I even once heard someone say, "We're all in this together." Guess what? We're not. You're delusional, and saving a marginal amount of power doesn't amount to jack squat. I don't want a lecture on being an eco-hippie. I'm just trying to generate CO2 and kill the calories that my luxurious American lifestyle allows. Fuck your PC Earth trip and send your $40 monthly membership to Greenpeace instead.—Anonymous