Illustration by Kalah Allen

Jeez, ladies, I've seen no improvement at all. Ever notice the six-billion-dollar porn industry, the abundance of prostitutes, and the strip clubs all over trying to compensate for your lack of crotch knowledge? The sexual revolution was in the '70s and you've consistently made it harder to gain vaginal access since then. Why so tough on us? We have made the move: there're metrosexuals, we advanced into stay-at-home dads, pay child support. For women, there're toy classes at She Bop, Zestra for arousal issues, tingly lube for "her," and Skene's gland squirt classes, proving some women have advanced, but not you. Since John Gray wrote Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus in the '90s, documenting 30 percent of women as inorgasmic, you haven't picked up the ball and run with it. In 1975 the Vietnam War ended, no more draft—that's better, right? Women used to not be able to vote. Now, you can—that's better, amirite? Remember Beta, 8-tracks, VCRs? It all got better except vaginal access. Thanks Fifty Shades, for allowing women to fantasize they can access a guy that's a quadra-bajillionaire who's 28 and hot. Good luck with that.—Anonymous