Illustration by Kalah Allen

Look, I know when I park out on Sauvie Island at one of the "clothing optional" entry points, I'll see some stuff that I won't really want to see (like the Porky Pig gentlemen who wear shirts and hiking boots, but no pants). It's the sacrifice I make a few times a year so my antisocial dog can get some swimming in away from crowded areas, and some of my favorite spots are inaccessible from other areas due to high water. Usually, I can avoid eye-to-schlong contact as we pass each other on the beach. So no harm, no foul in the big picture, I guess. Well, to the guy I came upon this weekend anally masturbating (standing up, no less) behind what you thought was vegetative cover, I say big harm, big foul. Even if you were inside the clothing-optional area (you weren't, there's a big fucking sign on the beach about 100 yards upstream from where I caught you), what makes you think this kind of behavior is okay in public?—Anonymous