Illustration by Kalah Allen

Now that the weather has turned and the people are flocking en masse to all the fine patios and outdoor seating this city has to offer, I beg of thee, aspiring folk singer with acoustic guitar and/or harmonica in tow, to please ply your trade elsewhere! When I am trying to enjoy a cold one or some grub whilst soaking up some golden rays of sweet, sweet sunshine, the last thing I want to hear is you, of half-assed musical talent, struggling through a cover of some song that either nobody wants to hear or has heard a million times. It's bad enough you can barely play your chosen instrument, but paired with your vocal abilities, which range from "Eddie Vedder taking a crap" to "Bob Dylan with a bad cold," it makes me get up and leave every time. But don't fret, acoustic troubadour! There is a place where your musical stylings inspire! Any open mic around town will warmly embrace you and guarantee a crowd of at least three. So go there. Be appreciated. And please, PLEASE stay out of our hallowed places of sun worship!—Anonymous