Now that the weather has turned and the people are flocking en masse to all the fine patios and outdoor seating this city has to offer, I beg of thee, aspiring folk singer with acoustic guitar and/or harmonica in tow, to please ply your trade elsewhere! When I am trying to enjoy a cold one or some grub whilst soaking up some golden rays of sweet, sweet sunshine, the last thing I want to hear is you, of half-assed musical talent, struggling through a cover of some song that either nobody wants to hear or has heard a million times. It's bad enough you can barely play your chosen instrument, but paired with your vocal abilities, which range from "Eddie Vedder taking a crap" to "Bob Dylan with a bad cold," it makes me get up and leave every time. But don't fret, acoustic troubadour! There is a place where your musical stylings inspire! Any open mic around town will warmly embrace you and guarantee a crowd of at least three. So go there. Be appreciated. And please, PLEASE stay out of our hallowed places of sun worship!—Anonymous
The Sad Ballad of Summer Sun
The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.