Dear friends and family: How are you? Fine, I hope. I am writing to let you know that as of... mmmm... right about now, I want nothing to do with you for the next three months. And stop looking at me like I just spit in your mouth. You know as well as I do the new fall season of shows STARTS THIS WEEK—so how can you even hope to compete? You can't. So stop doing all those annoying things, including, but not limited to: trying to engage me in conversation, hitting me up for "weed" and/or money, begging me to visit dying relatives, and engaging in sexual coitus. THAT'S how serious I am! And instead of pooh-poohing me, you should be checking out these new shows debuting this week (...on your own satellite system, thankyouverymuch).
• Reunion (Fox, debuts Thurs Sept 8, 9 pm). If you loved St. Elmo's Fire, you're gonna go ape-dookie over the new ensemble drama Reunion. This show chronicles the lives of six friends—starting with high school graduation and ending with their 20th reunion. But here's the gimmick: Each episode documents an entire year of their lives. Over the course of the season, characters marry, divorce, have kids—and cover up the mysterious death of one of their own. HUMPY'S TAKE: I hated St. Elmo's Fire... except for the part where Rob Lowe played the saxophone while wearing a sleeveless T-shirt.
• Bones (Fox, debuts Tues Sept 13, 8 pm). Yay! Angel's back! Angel's back! (Yeah... except he ain't Angel... BOOOOOOO!) David "Angel" Boreanaz returns in an un-blood-sucky role as straight-laced FBI agent Seeley Booth (stoopid name!) working with sexy forensic anthropologist Dr. Temperance Brennan (again with the stoopid names!). The hotsy doc has a flair for "reading" the bones of murder victims, as well as making googly eyes for that strapping mountain of man-meat Boreanaz. HUMPY'S TAKE: I also like a little Angel man-meat... and though the chemistry between these two looks hot enough, does TV really need another CSI nerd-fest?
• Supernatural (WB, debuts Tues Sept 13, 9 pm). Where's David Boreanaz when you need him? In this hour-long spookster, two WB rejects—Jared Padalecki from Gilmore Girls and Jensen Ackles from Smallville—play brothers who race around the country solving supernatural crimes. HUMPY'S TAKE: Hey, Shaggy and Scooby! Where's the Mystery Machine? Dumbasses...
• Head Cases (Fox, debuts Wed Sept 14, 9 pm). Chris O'Donnell—who you remember from Scent of a Woman and wearing that big codpiece in Batman & Robin—stars as a successful lawyer who gets shit-canned, dumped by his wife, and sent to the funny farm. He hooks up with another wacko ambulance chaser (Adam "I always play a crazy person" Goldberg), and together they open a new firm while trying to keep each other sane. HUMPY'S TAKE: Though you've seen Goldberg's nutso character a thousand times, check out O'Donnell, who—believe it or don't—pulls out an awesome layered performance. This could be a show that's actually worth alienating your family and losing that inheritance. On second thought... maybe I can spare a little "weed" after all.