Regular readers know I make anywhere from three to 12 "butt jokes" a week in this column. This, however, is no time for anal fixations—because we are facing the busiest, most entertaining week of TV all year. OMIGOD.
For example! On Thursday it's the season premiere of Survivor: Guatemala (CBS, 8 pm), while on Monday it's the return of your fave show ever, Arrested Development (Fox, 8 pm). Then on Tuesday, it's the powerhouse pairing of The Office (NBC, 9:30 pm) and Nip/Tuck (FX, 10 pm), PLUS the long-awaited Dancing with the Stars: Dance Off! (ABC, 8:30 pm), in which the previously robbed John O'Hurley takes on that bitch Kelly Monaco in a faggy dance to the finish! BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! On Wednesday, America's Next Top Model returns (UPN, 8 pm), along with the number one show in the entire Universe, Lost (ABC, 9 pm).
Add those to the new shows debuting this week, and that means NO TIME FOR HUMPY BUTT TALK. (Sorry!) Here are a few of this week's newbies.
• Twins (WB, Fri Sept 16, 8:30 pm). Fraternal twins Mitchee (Roseanne's homely Sara Gilbert) and Farrah (Passions' hotsy Molly Stanton) are given the keys to the family underwear company. Co-starring Melanie "Oh, how the mighty have fallen" Griffith. HUMPY'S TAKE: Don't be alarmed, but this WB sitcom is actually pretty funny (if you can get past the horror that is Melanie Griffith's lips).
• Threshold (CBS, Fri Sept 16, 9 pm). Sexy Carla Gugino (Karen Sisco) leads a team of science nerds and jarhead soldiers to investigate a possible alien life form. HUMPY'S TAKE: I'm just gonna say it: Carla Gugino has some sweet fun-bags. Plus, if you're going to watch one Lost rip-off this season, make this the one.
• Surface (NBC, Mon Sept 19, 8 pm). Sexy scientist number two Lake Bell (Boston Legal) also leads a team of nerds, this time in a search for sea monsters. HUMPY'S TAKE: The show's biggest hurdle will be making the CG believable... but if it results in a new type of fish stick, then I'm in!
• Kitchen Confidential (Fox, Mon Sept 19, 8:30 pm). Will from Alias, Xander from Buffy, and Sam from Freaks and Geeks are boozing, womanizing chefs in this series based on Anthony Bourdain's book. HUMPY'S TAKE: An all-star cast in scenarios that make Hell's Kitchen look tame? Let's eat!
• My Name Is Earl (NBC, Tues Sept 20, 9 pm). The buzziest comedy of the season stars Jason Lee (Chasing Amy) as Earl, a petty thief who loses a winning lottery ticket, and on the advice of Carson Daly (!) goes about setting the world's wrongs right. HUMPY'S TAKE: If it stays this strong, this could be your favorite comedy of the year (not counting Arrested Development, of course).
And quickly...The Apprentice: Martha Stewart (NBC, Wed Sept 21, 8 pm). Martha's out of the joint and ready to whore! E-Ring (NBC, Wed Sept 21, 9 pm). Like a cock ring, except with the Pentagon. And Invasion (ABC, Wed Sept 21, 10 pm). Hurricane washes up alien weirdness in a Florida town. A suntan AND anal probes? Where do I sign up? (And you thought you'd escape without a single butt joke.)