Yes, I give the Baby Jesus a hard time. And yes, one might say that because of my continual flogging of Christians in this column, I have no right to celebrate Christmas, or for that matter, receive presents. Well, here's my defense: receiving presents is the "Santa" side of Christmas, while weeping and reading dusty Bible stories is the "Baby Jesus" side of Christmas. As far as I'm concerned, you can keep your frankincense and myrrh (What is that shit, anyway? Perfume?), and I'll celebrate the part of Christmas where I receive awesome gifts like a video iPod or a Xbox 360.
Besides, Christians shouldn't be getting presents anyway. C'mon, isn't that kind of a sellout? Shouldn't they be spending their time in church, moaning songs celebrating the birth of Christ, and weeping over their sinful transgressions? You'd think Christians would be pooh-poohing presents because it's a commercialization of their savior. What's more, Christians are horrible at giving presents, because I always end up getting a book of psalms or a pack of tube socks.
Oh! And speaking of crappy gifts, apparently I'm not getting jackpoop from the TV networks this year, either. There's absolutely nothing on, and it's a freaking television wasteland for the next two weeks... so it might be a good idea to stock up on liquor and pills now. HOWEVER! If you can make it to January, there will be a veritable bounty of juicy-ass television coming down the pike that will make up for sending you skittering to the edge of holiday suicide. For example...
Dancing with the Stars (ABC, debuts Jan 5). Weirdly, this show where washed up celebs competed in ballroom dancing was one of the most endearing and engrossing shows of 2005. Now it's coming back with even more washy-uppy stars including tanning enthusiast George Hamilton, Wayne's World alum Tia Carrere, Melrose Place's Lisa Rinna, and former child star Tatum O'Neal. It's gay, deeply humiliating, and I LOVE IT!!
Battlestar Galactica (SCI-FI, debuts Jan 6). I generally hate the SCI-FI network, but their remake of Battlestar Galactica is like eating a dark, depressing, nerd-flavored ice cream cone—with sexy sprinkles! Loads of hot robots, genuinely surprising twists, and a nihilistic attitude you won't find in many other shows. Added bonus: Christians hate it.
The Shield (FX, debuts Jan 10). The most complicated cop show on TV returns for another morally ambivalent season! Detective Vic Mackey (Michael Chiklis) heads a team of easily corruptible cops who do their damnedest to protect the community, while scoring bribes on the side. Finally! Crime pays!
Skating with Celebrities (Fox, debuts Jan 18). Clearly an ice-skating rip-off of ABC's Dancing with the Stars... and I STILL LOVE IT! And these figure-skating wash-ups are the washiest ever! Dig this lineup: Full House's David "the fat one" Coulier, Diff'rent Strokes Todd "Willis" Bridges, Kristy "the original Buffy" Swanson, and Debbie "Omigod, it's Debbie Gibson!" Gibson! WOW! It's like I died and went to heaven (except there aren't any Christians, and God gives me a video iPod)!