FYI: I do NOT make a conscious decision to be evil. Yes, I beat up nerds. Yes, I toy with my lovers' hearts like a cat slashes away at a mouse's face. And yes, I purposefully say things to enflame the fundamentalist Christian/ Islamic-Muslim/ Republican/Jenny Craig-Weight Watchers community. HOWEVER! By not physically stopping me from performing these despicable antics, YOU are just as responsible. See, my readers are like little demons inside my brain, sending me very specific instructions on whom I should offend. "Oh, that joke you made last week about Alzheimer's sufferers was priceless. How about one about triple amputees?"
And you little demons are just as bad when it comes to reality shows. When MTV's The Real World first went on the air, the cast was made up of normal people. The current cast of The Real World: Key West (Tuesdays, 10 pm), are like a hot version of the inmates from Escape from New York. They're a bunch of big-tittied, mojito-sucking sociopaths whose only goal in life is to destroy each other in front of a national audience.
How did things progress to this level? It's all thanks to li'l devils like you and me. We refuse to show any interest in reality shows until something deranged occurs—and then? We eat it up like a bowl of cocaine spaghetti. Afterward it's BRRRRING! BRRRRING! Cue the Pavlovian response of the show's producers who say, "Well, if the audience liked those crazy people, what if we put together a cast of REALLY crazy people... and give them shotguns?"
While there aren't any shotguns on the new reality show Unan1mous (Fox, 9:30 pm, debuting Wednesday, March 22)—it's still early in the season. I'll explain more in just a moment... but first... WHAT IS UP WITH THAT DUMBASS NAME? Look, I'm really getting tired of all this text-message bullshit worming its way into TV show titles. First there was Num3ers... which is pronounced "Numb-three-ers?" Now, it's Unan1mous, which is... "Unan-one-mous?" AUGHH! Stop it, why don't you? JUST STOP IT!!!
Okay, my Thorazine just kicked in, so let's get back on topic. The plot for Unan1mous is simple: Stick nine fawking insane people in a bunker together, and dangle $1.5 million in front of them. But here's the twist: None of the cast members can leave the bunker until they come to an unanimous decision about which one of them wins the prize money. AND TO COMPLICATE MATTERS: A "money clock" will count down, reducing the value of the prize until a decision is made. AND TO COMPLICATE MATTERS FURTHER: This cast is possibly the biggest crowd of pee-holes ever assembled, including a "choreographer/bow hunter," a "gay activist," a "female conservative minister," an "atheist liberal," a "young Republican," a "very opinionated writer" (not me), and other wildly diverse dooky-wipes. And they're all trapped in a small bunker trying to convince each other why they deserve all that money.
Will they kill each other? PROBABLY. And it's all because YOU can't be satisfied with a bunch of nice people talking about nice things, or TV columnists who don't use the word "dooky-wipes." YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.