jeremy eaton

Puff Daddy... P. Diddy... Diddy Daddy... Squiddly Diddly... whatever it is you're calling yourself nowadays? You've lost all your street cred, "yo"! Gone are the days when you and Jennifer Lopez could smoke indo in the hot tub with the Notorious B.I.G., and pay off bodyguards to hide your small weapons arsenal from the five-oh. Lately you've been sipping Courvoisier with "The Big Honky Man," and I'm very disappointed! (Yes, yes, I realize that technically I'm also a "honky man"—but don't stop me, I'm on a roll!)

This week is the debut of the new show you've produced entitled Celebrity Cooking Showdown (NBC, Monday, April 17, 8 pm)—a concept so incredibly "honky," it makes Barry Manilow look like Barry White. The show pairs real-life chefs (Wolfgang Puck, Cat Cora, and Govind Armstrong) with a gang of celebrity wash ups (including football star Tony Gonzalez, rapper Ja Rule, TV's not-very-funny-man Tom Arnold, and supermodel Naomi Campbell—okay, she's a great choice, because someone's going to end up being bludgeoned with a frying pan).

After being trained by the real-life chefs, the celebs will compete in twos, with one wash up being eliminated each night. Then the top two contestants will battle it out in an Iron Chef-style grand finale to see who's the better cook, as if anyone in the world will give two poops who wins this stupid competition. I mean, C'MON! I'm the first to admit I popped a cucumber in my pants over Dancing with the Stars, and a mini-carrot over Skating with Celebrities—but there are two VERY WRONG THINGS going on here. ONE! These has-been celebs are has-beens for very good reasons, and are taking fame directly out of the mouths of "normal" reality contestants such as Omarosa and those alcoholic teenage girls on The Real World. TWO! If you're going to put these hacks in uncomfortable situations, don't choose COOKING. Dream up something really disturbing, such as...

Celebrity Gut-Busters!—Formerly skinny stars compete against each other to see who can eat the most crap. Chuck Norris vs. Steven Seagal in the 72-ounce steak eat-off! Golden Girls' Rue McClanahan goes up against Adrienne Barbeau to see who can down the most Hot Pockets. And the Baldwin brothers take on dead Chris Farley and dead Chris Penn to see who can stay away from a bucket of chicken.

Who Wants to be Kicked by a Donkey?—A deviously simple concept: Celebrities line up and get kicked in the face by a donkey. Whoever's standing at the end of the show, wins. My dream lineup: Gene Simmons of KISS, Dr. Phil, the cast of Grey's Anatomy, and that country and western asshole Toby Keith.

Stay Awake with P. Diddy—Washed-up celebrities get to play producer and listen to Diddy pitch dumbass honkified show ideas at them all day long. The contestant who can stay awake without slitting their own throat wins a year's worth of Proactive Acne Solution, an unfulfilling relationship with Jennifer Lopez, and have any and all gun charges dropped for an entire year! Naomi Campbell would be perfect.