Most people can only be successful in one career. Me, I could be a superstar in myriad professions—from award-winning chimney sweep, to championship drag racer, to toothbrush manufacturer, to world's sexiest proctologist. HOWEVER! My true talents lie in one of two professions: writing nonsensical tripe in tabloids such as this, and "professional singing." While I'm certainly well known for the former, when it comes to the latter I am repeatedly hounded with the same bewildered advice: "Humpy! You sing like a goddamn ANGEL. Why not share your blessed gift with the WORLD?"
Good question. At any point I could've put down my pen and let the birds in my throat fly—charming the globe with my musical ejaculations. However, had I chosen such a path, how would you know what time Project Runway comes on? EXACTLY. Sometimes the needs of the many outweigh the crushed dreams of me.
On the other hand, screw you. I've waited long enough to travel the road of destiny, which is why the world will soon be exclaiming, "WOW!" when I finally share my astounding vocal abilities with those who have been clearly begging for it. And all it will take is one audition for this season's American Idol.
That's right: The auditions for American Idol have officially begun (the one closest to YOU is in Seattle on September 19—see americanidol.com for details). This means after I pass the audition, go to Hollywood, and hack the competition to bits, it will be ME standing alone onstage, being showered by balloons and confetti, hugged by Ryan Seacrest, and WORSHIPPED by millions of undeserving sycophants! Yay, ME!
What's that? The rules clearly state I must be between 16 and 28?? HORSE HOCKEY! Sure, I may be ever so slightly over 28 years old—but are you trying to tell me that last year's winner Taylor Hicks isn't topping 47? He looks like Jay Leno's grandpappy! Let ME worry about the rules. I'll simply stride up to the front of the line (no waiting overnight for me), wag my finger at the guard, and announce in my most grandiose Shakespearean tone, "Sir! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM??" Naturally, I shall pass unimpeded.
Then, I will walk straight into the audition room, brushing aside Ryan Seacrest ("Sir! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM??"), and stop in front of Simon, Randy, and that lascivious lush Paula. "How dare you violate this sacred sanctum... dawg," Randy will cry. To which I will respond, "Sir! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM??" And when they say, "No, we most certainly do NOT," I shall say, "OH. Umm... okay... Well, you will know me as the winner of American Idol 6! But for now, let me introduce myself via the gorgeous, haunting tones of my melodious voice!"
Then I will either sing Extreme's "More than Words," Barbra Streisand's "Evergreen," the theme song from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, or Jay-Z's "99 Problems (But a Bitch Ain't One)"—depending upon my mood. Their reaction? Well, what do YOU think? And even though I will obviously win the whole shebang, you should still follow your pipe dream and enter American Idol 6. (After all, somebody's gotta come in second!)