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Celeb Outsourcing

This country is going to hell in a hand basket! In MY day, we didn't have this MINORITY swooping in and stealing jobs from hard-working 'MERICANS! And by "this minority" I clearly mean HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITIES. Tinseltown fancypants make up only two percent of this country's population. AND YET? You'll see more and more Hollywood celebrities are taking over reality roles that could've easily been played by some former nobody like Kristin Cavallari (Laguna Beach), Puck (The Real World), or that fat naked guy from Survivor who keeps getting thrown in jail for tax evasion. It ain't RIGHT, I'm telling you—and I'm tired of what ain't RIGHT!

Take, for example, the new reality show debuting this week entitled Celebrity Duets (Fox, Tues Aug 29, 8 pm). This competition showcases the talents of singers such as Belinda Carlisle, Patti LaBelle, Kenny Loggins, Dionne Warwick, Peter Frampton, Michael Bolton (EW!), and others. But instead of pairing them up with normal everyday American Idol wannabes, these singing celebs perform with... other celebs! There's Xena's Lucy Lawless, Cheech Marin (Cheech and Chong), Alfonso Ribeiro (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air—YES!), Lea "Back to the Future" Thompson, one of the queers from Queer Eye, some gold-medal-winning gymnast you've never heard of, another actor/comedian that looks kind of familiar but you've never heard of, and professional wrestler Chris Jericho. Now, other than the people I've never heard of, I'VE HEARD OF ALL THESE PEOPLE!

See, these wash-ups have already had their chance to become famous, but they blew it when they became UNfamous. And now, here they come... crawling back to the celebrity well, begging for another drink?? Well, SCREW YOU, Lea Thompson! And by the way? That old-lady costume you wore in Back to the Future looked totally FAKEY.

Crap! I've totally lost my train of thought... OH YEAH! Can you imagine if they made these stars perform duets with normal people? These lucky nobodies would SHIT THEIR PANTS. Even the poor sonofabitch who was stuck singing with Michael Bolton would find his chances of getting laid much improved. But NOOOOOOOOO! This goddamn Hollywood minority keeps stealing away OUR only opportunity to sing with Michael Bolton-AND our chances of getting boned after the show!

And the same goes for Dancing with the Stars (returning September 12 on ABC). As you know, worthless celebrities (like Saved by the Bell's Mario "Slater" Lopez) are paired with hotshit greaseball dance instructors with big tits and long sausages. And every night for weeks, these tedious celebs get to rub up against these dancers' swollen genitalia—while we do WHAT? That's right! Sit at home ALONE and masturbate into a sock. YES, that's a DISGUSTING IMAGE. So what are YOU going to do about it?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO! You're going to write your congressperson, and you're going to tell him/her that we will not sleep until an ELECTRIC FENCE is erected all around Hollywood! Fight for YOUR right to reality-show employment! Don't let Mario Lopez diddle YOUR dancer's sausage!!

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