jeremy eaton

We need to discuss this Kevin Federline problem. As in... WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? "Ooooh," you say in an effeminate voice. "I don't have any idea what you're talking about, Humpy." Don't play coy with me, you lying pile of peehole. You know very well that Britney Spears' deadbeat hubby, Kevin Federline, is slowly trying to insinuate himself into our everyday TV watching. AND I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT!

Not only was this ridiculously white "rapper" the final act on the recent Teen Choice Awards, it was announced last week that Kevin Federline would be getting a walk-on role on... wait for it... the CBS hit CSI! Apparently, the scientist nerds—don't ask me for their names, I never watch the show—are investigating some murder scene or something, and Kevin Federline walks up pretending to be a teenager. And he's like all, "Yo-yo-yo-yo-yo! What's the hizzle, my fizzles? Let's get jiggy with it! Rap-rap-rap-rappity-rap-rap-RAP! My name is K-Fed and I'm here to say, I'm the best rapper in the USA! Rap-rap-rap—wicka-wicka—RAP!"

Yeah, I don't get it, either. But apparently CBS will do just about anything for viewers these days. Did you hear that Survivor is so hard up for ratings they're dividing the tribes into races? Yup, they're splitting everybody up into Asians, Hispanics, Blacks, and, of course, the Master Race. That tribe includes Donald Rumsfeld, Jeff Foxworthy, Ann Coulter, Paris Hilton, Mel Gibson, that comedian who's always saying "Git-r-done," your Uncle Woody, and... of course... KEVIN MOTHER-EFFIN' FEDERLINE!

In fact, he's the reason the producers came up with this dumbshit divide-the-races idea in the first place. Kevin Federline wouldn't stop hanging around the black people, saying stuff like, "This is a rhyme for all the fellas! Tryin' to do what those ladies tell us! Rappity-rap-rap—gotta BUST A MOVE!" Then he started doing that ridiculously awful Roger Rabbit dance I used to break out on Deborah Fortenberry in the seventh grade, and all the black people started screaming, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! SEGREGATE US!!!"

But we're not just talking about CBS! Segregation is alive and well on other networks as well—such as ABC and the return of their reality show Dancing with the Stars (Tues Sept 12, 8 pm). This is the show where they segregate every washed-up, D-list celebrity from the rest of us who think they're assholes.

Think Jews have it bad? Being in the "Dancing with the Stars race" is like being in the worst minority in the world! There's bow-tied dorkhole Tucker Carlson, Joey "Blossom" Lawrence, Mario "Saved by the Bell" Lopez, poor Vivica A. Fox, and a bunch of other people who are even less famous. But it could be worse! Guess who I think will be on next season. Let me give you a hint: "My name is K-Fed and I'm here to say! I'm a honky dancer, and I like segrega... tion. Rap! Rap! Rappity-rap-rap! Word to your mother."

And THAT, my friend, is "the Kevin Federline problem." SO: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?