I &hearts TV 

Me vs. World

Paranoia. It's a fallacious emotion generally experienced by the insecure and mentally ill. That being said, everyone in the world is out to get me. Now obviously I am NOT insecure—I mean, I'm great, right? Besides, paranoia is the assumption that people are out to get you, and with me it's no assumption—I KNOW PEOPLE ARE OUT TO GET ME.

People are jealous. I get that. I have a hot car. I bang smokin' pieces of ass. Scientist nerds at MIT deemed my honey-baked ham "an example of structural perfection." And I have a well-paying and ridiculously easy job in which I do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING but sit on my previously mentioned ham and watch TV all day. Are you starting to get why the world is out to get me? And did YOU just decide to get in line?

So the next time you start wishing for all the wonderful things in the world, try walking a mile in my shoes—which you'd love, because my shoes are awesome. But my point is this: Maybe then you'd start to get an inkling of the tremendous burden my kick-ass life and sexual escapades have on my soul. And if you still can't imagine it, you should check out a couple of shows on TV this week that will clearly illustrate my egregious conundrum!

First, there's CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (CBS, Thurs Oct 12, 9 pm). Normally I would never advise you to watch this ridiculously awful show—except that tonight KEVIN FEDERLINE will be on it making his ACTING DEBUT!! He's another person who has "everything"—therefore everyone hates him. (Of course, it doesn't help that he's a lazy, good-for-nothing hillbilly with an overproduction of semen.) ANYWAY! Apparently, K-Fed's got a walk-on role on CSI in which he plays "a punk." No character name—just... "a punk." Boy, it's his first acting role and he's already being typecast. Ka-ZING! (See? Even I'm out to get this guy.)

Second, there's the debut of a brand-new game show entitled 1 vs. 100 (NBC, Fri Oct 13, 9 pm). Hosted by smiling robot Bob "Full House" Saget—who in actuality is a filthy potty mouth—this show is already a hit all over the world and is just now making it to the US. The concept is simple enough: One lone contestant matches wits against a mob of 100 people, answering a series of trivia questions for wads of money. But here's the twist... the contestant must get every single question right or get booted off the show, with all the money up to that point being evenly split up among the 100. Likewise, if members of the mob supply a wrong answer they're also kicked off, which raises the amount of dough the single player gets if he/she manages to be the last person standing.

SEE?!? THAT IS SO LIKE MY LIFE! A huge mob of people, and they're all trying to stick it to me! (And I mean that literally... I generally end up having sex with two-thirds of the mob. Hmm... that would make a pretty good game show, too!)

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