I love Halloween! It's 10 times better than any of the other stupid holidays—and that includes Christmas (and its cultural equivalents). Why? Because Halloween is the only holiday where your chance to bag some hot booty skyrockets to 87 percent. (My chances hover around 99.8 percent—but then, that's me.) THINK ABOUT IT. When's the last time ANYBODY got laid on Easter? Or Armed Forces Day? Or god forbid, September 11? That day has been officially declared "coitus verboten"!
And don't give me any guff about Valentine's Day being a sexier holiday. That day's fine if all you're interested in is banging the same person you've been sleeping with for the past couple of eternities. But I'm talking about HOT, DISGUISED, ANONYMOUS SEX—and for that, Halloween is virtually unbeatable!
Example: A couple of years ago, I dressed up like He-Man (from the Masters of the Universe cartoon), and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I had to beat the partygoers off with my Sword of Greyskull. And a year before that, my Catholic schoolgirls' uniform was held largely responsible for a local uptick in unplanned pregnancies. And don't even get me started on the year I dressed up like Burt Reynolds. I'm still sore.
However! There are those among us who are interested in choosing a Halloween costume with the sole purpose of scaring the crap out of their fellow revelers. (Next to getting laid, that's the best part of the holiday.) And, as it turns out, I'm very creative when it comes to ideas for especially disturbing outfits! My advice for choosing the scariest costumes? Turn to TV for your inspiration! Nobody gives a crap about vampires and werewolves anymore. What really scares people is that uncomfortable, icky feeling you get from certain TV stars. Such as...
• HOWIE MANDEL from Deal or No Deal: Remember when Howie was an unfunny comedian with a Carrot Top 'fro? Now he's doubly unfunny and three times as smarmy as the bald host of the ridiculously unentertaining game show Deal or No Deal. Simply shave your head, wear a stupid suit, and walk around with a numbered briefcase—and watch the party run in horror!
• JEFFREY SEBELIA from Project Runway: Nobody likes a hipster, and nobody especially likes one who yells at other people's mothers and sports glaring neck tattoos. Raid your local thrift store, paint the name of a loved one in gothic type on your neck, and scare the bejesus out of every fashion designer in the room.
• THE ENTIRE CAST OF STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP: Want to clear a fun party in 10 seconds flat? Then dress up as the cast of Studio 60—the most abysmally bad and disappointing series of the year. Former wunderkind Aaron Sorkin may have been hot poop on china when he helmed Sports Night and The West Wing, but thanks to this boringly unfunny show, now he's a cold booger on a paper plate. And nothing's scarier than that!
• ANY CBS SITCOM WHERE THE STAR IS A FAT OR UNATTRACTIVE GUY WITH A HOT WIFE. 'Nuff said. Brrrrrrrrrrr!