jeremy eaton

Don't you kind of feel sorry for Fox TV? In the olden days (back when it was the fourth place network out of four networks), Fox was like a five-year-old kid jacked up on Mountain Dew and Pixy Stix—it'd do ANYTHING to get your attention. I particularly enjoyed its guerrilla-style (and super-offensive) reality shows, such as Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire, Man vs. Beast, and my favorite, The Littlest Groom (in which it tried to hook a dwarf up with a hot, normal-sized babe). However! Nowadays it seems like Fox has "grown up" and can no longer find room in its schedule for shows about such important topics as When Animals Attack. Apparently dwarves, bimbos, and ass-ripping lions are no longer a concern to Fox executives.

And that's too bad, because now that Fox has grown into a self-absorbed teenager (who in order to look more like an adult has been seen wearing a coat with elbow patches and smoking a pipe), it has been receiving some of its worst ratings ever. Other than the doctor-drama House, almost all the shows on Fox's schedule are crapping the bed—and that's because Fox has forgotten who its audience is (i.e., 18-34-year-old drunks with an unhealthy affinity for midgets and angry, bloodthirsty monkeys).

But this week all that may change, as Fox has what could be loosely termed as the most CREEPY, OFFENSIVE INTERVIEW EVER! According to, on Monday, November 27, and Wednesday, November 29, at 9:00 pm, the network will be broadcasting an exclusive interview with accused murderer O.J. Simpson, in which he describes how he killed his ex-wife and her friend—HYPOTHETICALLY, of course! "O.J. Simpson, in his own words, tells for the first time how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible for the crimes," according to a Fox statement. Coincidentally, the interview comes a day before the release of Simpson's new book on the same subject, entitled If I Did It.

All together now... BRRRRRRRRRR!

Naturally, this is a step in the right direction for Fox. However, an interview of O.J. describing the brutal murder of his wife lacks... ohhhh, the joie de vivre of something like Joe Millionaire or Temptation Island. Here's some advice on how this show could be automatically—and cheaply!—improved:

• During the interview, O.J. should be wearing the Hannibal Lecter straitjacket and leather facemask. (Then after a commercial break, we learn that he's escaped and was last seen outside YOUR bedroom window! EEEEEEEEE!)

• O.J. describes how he killed his wife—while helping Martha Stewart bake a batch of rustic apple tarts.

• Perform a dramatic re-creation of the murder using kangaroos. (And before PETA starts climbing all over my ass, it's a scientific fact that kangaroos love to fight.)

• Along with his "faux" confession, O.J. also hypothetically describes how he killed Kurt Cobain, Jimmy Hoffa, and the Crocodile Hunter.

• During random moments, a monkey wearing a red jumpsuit should ride by on a tricycle. OOH! Better yet, a skateboard!

• Turn the whole thing into a new reality show entitled Who Wants to be Murdered by O.J. Simpson... Hypothetically?