Apparently, this is the time of year I'm expected to be "charitable." And I agree that, in theory, this is a worthwhile idea. HOWEVER. May I also ask that if I'm being charitable toward others, can they in turn start being a bit more charitable to ME?!?
Prepare to grieve, as I relate what will possibly be the SADDEST STORY EVER TOLD. (Yes, sadder than being unable to watch Seinfeld without being reminded that Kramer's a racist.) I've been an unrepentant TiVo addict since I purchased mine three years ago. And OH! What a joyous three years it's been! Back in the year 2002 BT (Before TiVo), I had to watch television like a commoner—bitching and moaning about my cable service, interrupting sexual coitus whenever I forgot to set my VCR for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and loudly complaining when I'd miss a critical line spoken by Pacey on Dawson's Creek because he was such a goddamn mumbler!
But then TiVo came into my life, and it was like the school-marmish clothes that covered Jennifer Garner's underpants suddenly lifted. My digital satellite service provided nearly twice the channels of its inferior cable counterpart (and cost less, to boot). My TiVo was capable of recording entire seasons of Buffy without me lifting a finger—which meant that same finger could continue dispensing the sexual ecstasy you so angrily demand. And my TiVo also could rewind live television—so if I missed what Pacey said the first time, all I had to do was tap a button to hear, "I hope for the sake of all involved, some intrepid student has spiked this punch, or else it kinda loses out on its cliché value." [Season six, episode 618, "Love Bites."]
Oh, what a beautiful word I lived in! UNTIL IT ALL CAME CRASHING DOWN. Last night when I flipped on my TiVo, I discovered it had pooped the bed. It didn't work AT ALL! Naturally, I panicked. According to some overly calm technical nerd I talked to on the phone, the TiVo is actually a "computer," and my "hard drive" had suffered a horrible, violent, life-ending coronary! Yet this nerd didn't seem to care at all!
So here's a question: How am I supposed to watch Veronica Mars? How am I supposed to obtain a sexual thrill when Smallville's Tom Welling takes off his shirt? And HOW, pray tell, am I supposed to understand what that mumbling idiot from Dawson's Creek is saying if I can't rewind?!?
"Maybe you can buy a new TiVo," I hear you suggest. Well, maybe you can offer a BETTER SUGGESTION. I ain't got no money, baby! I spend all my dough luring you into my bedroom via expensive liquor. And that means I have to wait until next payday to buy a new TiVo! UNLESS... you want to donate to Humpy's "TiVos for Tots" program—in which you buy brand-new TiVos for underprivileged children, but I keep them at my house until the kids can afford televisions. Won't you help someone less fortunate than yourself (meaning ME)? After all the love my finger has given you, I think it's time for you to give a little back.