I Love Television 

The Sole Survivor

KNOW WHAT'S great about having your own column? NOT A GODDAM THING. Oh, sure, everybody thinks just because you have a column, life is filled with prostitutes and candy corn--but it's a LIE. The burden of having a terrifically popular column can be practically overwhelming. For example, people are always stopping me to say, "Hey, Hump! Love the column. But you know, I should have my OWN column, too!" Then they start rattling off harebrained ideas, like "My column could be all about my CAT. He's sooo cute." Or "Duuude. I should write a weekly column about the WTO. They're harshing my buzz!" Or "Hey, I could write a column about TV, too except mine would be funny."

And another thing! Everybody thinks if you write a tremendously successful TV column (much like my own), you have beautiful celebrities (like Pamela Anderson or Lee Horsely) hanging off your neck. The last celebrity I met was Ann B. Davis (Alice from The Brady Bunch), and she thought I was a stalker! Hey, I didn't see any sign that said, "Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, stay off my balcony!"

You know what you get for being a talented, well-respected columnist? DICK SQUAT! You get a dark little office, a crappy Commodore 64 computer covered with coffee and cum stains, and competing cases of carpal tunnel syndrome and hemorrhoids--and that's IT. You don't get free bottles of hooch; you don't get sexy people showing you their stomachs; and you don't get invited to join the cast of Survivor, the new show on CBS (Wednesdays, 8:00 p.m.) about island castaways competing for a million bucks.

And I would be perfect for this show! See, it's all about 16 real people who are plopped down on a desert island for three months and forced to fend for themselves. But! Here's where it really gets evil. The 16 are divided into two different "tribes," and forced to compete against one another for staples like matches, food, and tools. And not only that, but every week the groups hold a secret tribunal where they vote one of their own members off the island! One by one, contestants are sacrificed, until a single person is sent home with a million smackeroos.

Now, in my opinion, Survivor makes MTV's The Real World look like a diaper full of monkey gravy. There's no fakey "Why can't we all get along?" crap, because this show is ALL about screwing over your neighbor. And let me tell ya, these people can be jerks! One old codger is an ex-Navy Seal who almost got voted out in the first episode because he's so goddam bossy. Another is a female truck driver and self-proclaimed redneck. One guy is a corporate trainer who was so adamant about touchy-feely communication, I thought his tribe members were going to chop him up with a machete. On the other hand, did I mention all the sexy half-nekkid hardbodies? Rrrrowrrrr.

So my only question is, who do I have to blow to get on this show? Not only do I have an award-winning column, I'm all about exploiting my neighbor for the chance to win a million bucks while possibly doing the "electric boogaloo" with some island hottie. Waitasecond now that's a great idea for a column! A weekly article all about ME! (I bet you've never seen that before!)

I am a rock; I am an island. steve@portlandmercury.com

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