Jeremy Eaton
PEOPLE, IT'S A FACT! I loves me some Buffy the Vampire Slayer. However! As is often the case in relationships, right when you express your love, that's when they suddenly confess, "Oh did I happen to mention I'm a Republican crack whore with a wooden leg and a permanent yeast infection?" Though there aren't any Republican crack whores in the cast of Buffy (and only the occasional yeast infection), this fall, some changes are going to occur that have NOT been approved by ME!

For example, according to the New York Post, the creators of Buffy are growing increasingly concerned about losing their key demographic (i.e., 13-year-old 'N SYNC fans), because Buffy and her vampire-killin' pals are now in college. This means that Buffy and Co. are setting themselves up to commit the deadliest error a TV series can ever make. They're adding a new cast member who is only 13 years old!!

So what's the big whoop? Well, I have two words for you: COUSIN OLIVER! Remember on The Brady Bunch when Bobby and Cindy got old and ugly? Well, in an attempt to appease their dwindling demographic of five-year-olds, the producers panicked and hired child actor Robbie Rist (who looked a lot like John Denver sans drug habit) to play Cousin Oliver. And what happened? Four episodes later, the entire show tanked!

Or how about The Partridge Family? Everything was going along swimmingly until the fourth season, when producers decided that the youngest members, Chris and Tracy, were so old they needed colostomy bags. That's when they brought on four-year-old Ricky Stevens! He was the little twerp with the pageboy hairdo, who would always plop down on the piano and howl some ancient number like "Daisy, Daisy, Give Me Your Answer Do!" And once again, what happened? Five episodes laterWHAMMO! The show was canceled, and young Danny Bonaduce began his new career of snorting coke out of a garbage can. Thanks, Lil' Ricky!

Need more? OH! I've got more! In 1978, All in the Family was the top-rated show on television. Then Archie and Edith took in their abandoned niece Stephanie. Sure, she was cute as the goddam dickens, but she also turned out to be a show wrecker! The very next year, Edith (Jean Stapleton) knew the jig was up and jumped ship. In a panic they changed the name of the show to Archie Bunker's Place, when they should've called it Lil' Stephanie's Hindenburg. The show struggled for two more painful seasons before mercifully swirling down the crapper.

See what I'm tellin' ya? These kids are JINXES! And if Buffy takes on some squalling 13-year-old brat with a cleft palate who jumps on the piano to sing "You are my sunshine/my only sunshine," then you can bet your sweet and juicy ham that within five episodes, the entire cast will be turning tricks on Hollywood Boulevard¯or worse, doing infomercials for the George Foreman grill! (And they'll probably get yeast infections, too!)