I Love Television 

Why the Caged Hump Sings

THOUGH SOME MAY THINK OTHERWISE, getting thrown in jail is NOT exactly a trip to the ice cream factory. Ohhh, sure! There are those among us who think that being imprisoned is the "new" "cool" "EXTREME" "sport," like skateboarding, mountain biking, or midget auto racing. However, take it from someone who has served HARD TIME (an entire evening in the Macon County Correctional Institute for the Criminally and Morally Lax) it ain't no sleep-over at Camp Bide-a-Wee.

Yes, I remember it well. I was arrested on a trumped-up charge of "conspiring to masturbate with the mayor's daughter." Despite my repeated protests of "Do you know who I AM??!?" they tossed me in a cell filled with crack whores, tax evaders, murderers, and worst of all, filthy tree-hugging hippies. And they were all looking at me like I was a fresh bag of donuts from the bakery. I knew what they were thinking "Ooooh-wee! I wanna get just a nibble of that honey-baked ham!" Naturally, since my bottom--which has been declared "structurally perfect" by the scientists at MIT--is solely reserved for my own enjoyment and a few choice I Love Television™ readers, I had to refuse. However, I did show the boys how to improve the shapes of their own tuckuses, by leading an impromptu Pilates class--which, by the by, is a really great way of supplying lift to those pesky flabby glutes.

But I digress! Prison life is really, really, really HARD! The food was sub-par, the bedding was less comfortable than sleeping on a burlap sack filled with chicken beaks, and the toilets? PLEASE! It was like a goddam frat house! That's why I am simply AGHAST at the prospect of a new British game show that's being picked up by the ABC network. It's called Jailbreak, wherein 10 contestants are tossed in a prison that is fully staffed by over 30 guards, chefs, nurses, and psychiatrists. The object of the game is, simply enough, for the contestants to compete in a series of mental and physical challenges that will ultimately allow them to break out of the slammer. Though the prison's set promises to be extremely realistic, they're still missing one key ingredient: ACTUAL CONVICTS.

Now, I'm all for torturing normal people for the sake of increased TV ratings, as they do in Survivor and Big Brother. However! If you're going to do a game show where people are asked to escape from prison for the love of Christ, THROW THEM IN AN ACTUAL PRISON! I want to see a bricklayer from Muncie, Indiana have to deal with a 350-lb. convicted bank robber who has an affection for the soft, buttery roundness of a man's rump! I want to see a retired dentist from Pittsburgh who has to plead for his life after accidentally taking the last bowl of gruel from the lunch line! I want to see a housewife from Arlington, West Virginia sharpen a shank from a spoon and stick it into the neck of a guard as a riot ensues and flaming mattresses and toilet paper are flung from the galleries!

And most of all, I want to once again see all the good friends I made during Pilates class at the Macon County Correctional Institute. (Sniff!) I love you guys! Get out soon, and don't forget to do your squat thrusts! n

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