Jeremy Eaton

AS WE ALL REALIZE by now, when it comes to TV shows, my critical judgment cannot be trusted. That's why every year I end up stealing a retarded monkey from the zoo to help me pick the best new shows of the TV season. Unfortunately, every zoo within a hundred miles has been put on "high alert" to prevent me from stealing any of the many retarded monkeys in their possession. This makes them "dicks," and me "shit out of luck."

However! If I may sample from my very large tub of sour grapes, I'd like to say I never liked any of those fawking monkeys anyway. They were consistently either splattering my walls with feces, humping my dog, or masturbating with a fervor unseen since I purchased my first Tiffani-Amber Thiessen poster. But the monkeys' main problem was that they were too much like me! They judged every single show with their "johnsons," basing their recommendations on hot bodies rather than artistic merit. That's why I've decided this year to take a more scientific approach, and have developed "The Humpy Super-Computer 2000™."

Constructed from the remnants of a Commodore 64, an old Atari system, and a Hitachi Magic Wand, the Humpy Super-Computer 2000™ is a technological marvel designed to unfailingly predict the best new shows. So what has the HSC 2000 picked for us? LET'S FIND OUT! (And by the way, the next section will be much funnier if you read it aloud, using a metallic robot voice. Thanks!)

DARK ANGEL (FOX, Tues, 9:00 pm) Brrrrrr... click! Greetings. HSC 2000 has chosen Dark Angel. It is about a genetically engineered teenager who wears very tight clothing. Humans enjoy tight clothing. They also like fist fighting. Dark Angel has both. Dark Angel should not be confused with the WB's Angel. He is not really an angel, but a vampire. Dark Angel should also not be confused with Touched by an Angel. She is an angel, but not dark. Dark Angel is also not an angel. She does have a dark complexion, but is less dark than WB's Angel and more dark than honky Touched by an Angel. Brrrrr... click! Likability Quotient: 94.9%

GROSSE POINTE (WB, Fri, 8:30 pm) Brrrrr... click! HSC 2000 has chosen Grosse Pointe. It is about teenagers who are in a nighttime soap opera and wear tight clothing. Humans enjoy tight clothing. They also enjoy parody. Grosse Pointe has both. Grosse Pointe makes fun of people like Tori Spelling and her father Aaron Spelling. They don't like being made fun of, so they yelled at the producer to stop making fun of them. The producer said, "Okay." But he lied, and he is still making fun of them. Brrrr... click! Likability quotient: 74.5%

TITANS (NBC, Wed, 8:00 pm) Brrrr... click! HSC 2000 has chosen Titans. Humans like to see rich people screwing. Humans also like Casper Van Dien's big sweaty muscles and large groinal area. And when Yasmine Bleeth climbs out of the pool all wet and drippy in that tiny bikini, my circuits overheat and I'm like, "Oh, baby, you so fine, I just wanna get my NASTY on, and bzzzzzt! Zssshhhttttt! Click! Click! Mwwwwrrooooooo..." --CONNECTION TERMINATED.

Damn. I knew I should've never added that stupid Hitachi Magic Wand.