Jeremy Eaton

NOW THAT A newly elected president is on his way, you need I Love Television™ more than ever. Television is the opiate of the masses, and with a jackass dickhole in the White House, I'm spending the next four years with a TV IV drip stuck in my arm. Oh! And speaking of which, I just bet you're wiggling to find out who won the I Love Television™ Pick Yer Own Prez™ Election™.

As we all know, two weeks ago I ejaculated a hypothesis that television could come up with a better candidate than Gore, Bush, or Nader. (Jeez, a retarded monkey using a chemistry set and a ball of yarn could do better.) Using my vast array of television knowledge, I nominated three perfect candidates so you would have another choice, and not be so depressed come Election Day. Those candidates were:

For the Democratic Party, Optimus Prime, the leader of the Transformers and a "robot in disguise"! Next, for the Republican candidate, Jordan Catalano, Angela's hunky b-friend from My So-Called Life. And representing the Green/Independent/Socialist/Reform/Crackpot Party is Josiah Bartlet, the president on The West Wing.

Happily, this was the largest turnout in I Love Television™ voting history, and the winner by a decisive landslide is Optimus Prime! In fact, he got every single vote except for one (mine), which was cast for Jordan Catalano in a fit of hormonal ecstasy. Unfortunately, as a result of my election, the Green Party looks worse than ever. Think about it! This was Josiah Bartlet, and still nobody would vote for him because he was associated with a party of dope huffers. Word to the wise, Greenies: Get your head in the game and your lips off the bong!

Okay! That being said, let's turn to something even more horrifying than a presidential election--which is the news that next fall, a new show will be heading to your TV screen called Who Wants to Date a Hooters Girl? This half-hour show is a dating game in which eligible bachelors compete to hook up with waitresses from the Hooters restaurant chain. Now, since I Love Television™ readers are known for their exquisite taste in dining establishments, you probably have no fawking idea of what I'm talking about. However, I know all about Hooters--cuz I've actually eaten there!

That's right, I've eaten there, and I can say without reservation that it ranks as one of the most uncomfortable dining experiences of my life. Not only did the waitresses flounce around in ugly Hooters T-shirts tied up around their monstrous fake boobies, but they wore really short shorts with (brace yourself) NUDE PANTYHOSE!! Ewwwww! I mean, it's like serving food wearing a hairnet, except that the hairnet is you know DOWN THERE!! Ewwwwww! Ewwwwww! Ewwwwww!

Anyway, I wanted to bring this topic up now while you're still reeling from the prospect of a crappy new president, because as you can surely tell, things are gonna be ugly for awhile. But buck up campers! Wm.™ Steven Hump-me will be right there with you. So sit down on the couch, hook up those TV IVs, and I'll wake you in four to eight years.