I Love Television 

Yes, I'm Almost Certain There's a Santa Claus

YOU KNOW, I Love Television™ always takes great pleasure in answering letters from my fans--especially those who are "wee." Here's one now!

Dear Mr. Humphrey: I am eight years old. I want a Sony PlayStation 2 from Santa, but my friends say I can forget it cuz there's a worldwide shortage, and there ain't no such thing as Santa. Personally, I don't give a shit if there's a Santa or not--I just want the PlayStation. What can I do?--Davie

Davie, your little friends are full of diaper gravy when it comes to Santa (but not about the PlayStation 2 cry all you want, you'll probably never get one). You see, they have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. Because they have retarded little brains, they do not believe anything unless they see it. You see, Davie, all brains, whether they are in the skulls of children or adults, are retarded and little. In this great universe of ours, man is but a mere insect, an ant. Even a poop of an ant. So how could the brain inside a poop of an ant grasp the whole truth of the universe? Yes, Davie, I'm almost certain there is a Santa Claus. He exists as surely as there is love and devotion in this world, and just because he doesn't love you enough to give you a PlayStation 2, does that mean he doesn't exist?

Alas! How dreary the world would be if there were no Santa Claus! Why, it would be as dreary as if there were no PlayStation 2s underneath the Christmas tree! There would be no romance, no expectation of a better world, no faith that Robert Downey Jr. could ever get the crystal-meth monkey off his back! Just because you can't see Santa, Davie, doesn't mean he's not there. Of course, you could get your father to guard your chimney on Christmas Eve in order to catch Santa in the act, but what would that prove? You know as well as I that your father would just get drunk and either fall asleep or stumble off to that bar by the railroad tracks to play video poker (which, incidentally, is a lot more fun than the PlayStation 2 you can't have). Not believe in Santa Claus?! You might as well not believe in fairies! Have you ever seen what fairies do in public bathhouses? Of course not! But that doesn't mean they're not doing something dirty in there!

No one can conceive or imagine all the wonders that are unseen and unseeable in the world. Here's another example: Have you ever seen my prostate? Well, I haven't either! But let me tell you I know it's there. Yes, Davie, every time someone touches it just right, or I'm not getting enough vitamin C and it blows up like a soccer ball, I know my prostate exists. You see, there is a veil covering the unseen world. Only faith, love, poetry, and romance can push aside that curtain and view the supernatural beauty and glory of my prostate--and yes, that goes for jolly old St. Nick, too.

No Santa Claus? I ought to kick your fawking ass! Thank God he lives, and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Davie nay, 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make the heart of childhood glad. But trust me: Even after all that time, you still won't have that PlayStation 2. So get your priorities straight. And from my prostate to yours, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."

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