Jeremy Eaton

WHOOPEE! Today is a great fawking day, and you know why? Because Shannen Doherty has been arrested on drunk driving charges! Oh, sure, you probably know Shannen as the irresistibly sassy sis on the witchy WB show Charmed, and probably find it astonishing that Shannen could find herself in such a pickle. However--that also means you are so incredibly naive that I could just pinch your shiny little bottom!

Back in the heyday of Beverly Hills, 90210 (in which Shannen starred as "Brenda Walsh"), fans thrilled on an almost daily basis to Shannen's multiple brushes with Johnny Law. Here are some of her greatest hits: In '92, Shannen was arrested for an L.A. nightclub scuffle. In '94, she was sued by an ex-landlord for stiffing him on the rent but not before trashing the entire house! In '97, she was sued again for allegedly setting her dogs on an unsuspecting woman, and later that same year, a judge forced her into anger-management classes for smashing an enemy's car window with a beer bottle!

And OH! I could go on all day, because this is but the pink-nipply-tip of Shannen's bitchy iceberg. However! My point is that it's about goddam time Shannen got herself arrested again, because as far as I'm concerned, the only good TV celebrity is an incarcerated one. And rest assured, television history is literally peppered with celebs gone wrong. To prove it, would you like to take a quick I Love Television™ Pop Quiz™ about TV stars and their most heinous crimes? You would?? Ohhh, what a shame my tongue can't reach out and enjoy the taste of your tonsils!

1. Sure, everybody knows about that coke-snorting hophead Robert Downey Jr., but which Ally McBeal alum got arrested for spewing a litany of obscenities in a fancy L.A. hotel? (a) Greg Germann (Fish) (b) Jane Krakowski (Elaine) (c) Lisa Nicole Carson (Renee) (d) Peter MacNicol (The Biscuit).

2. Which of the following actors has never been arrested for a crime? (a) Tim Allen (Home Improvement) (b) Jason Priestley (90210) (c) Suzanne Somers (Three's Company) (d) Lisa Bonet (The Cosby Show).

3. Of the four following young stars, who has committed the most crimes? (a) Mike Lookinland (Bobby Brady) (b) Dana Plato (Kimberly from Diff'rent Strokes) (c) Adam Rich (Nicholas from Eight Is Enough) (d) Shannen Doherty (Brenda from 90210).

4. Ho! Ho! Ho! Ahhh I was just laughing about the youthful hijinks of Danny (Danny Bonaduce) in The Partridge Family. However, in 1991, Danny laughed his way straight into the can for what crime? (a) Knocking over a convenience store. (b) Attacking a photographer. (c) Excessive speeding. (d) Assaulting and robbing a transvestite.