I LOVE YOU. There, I said it! I know, I know you find my declarations of amour to exceed the bounds of good taste. Well, fawk you! 'Cause I love you. All day long, I dream of our life together, walking hand in hand, as we sing Olivia Newton-John's "I Honestly Love You"--or if you prefer, John Mellencamp's "Suckin' on a Chili Dog, Outside the Tastee Freeze." Yes, goddammit, I love you, I love you, I love you.
HOWEVER! We can never truly be together until you start making more money. As we both know, I have extremely expensive tastes, and expect you to support me in the lifestyle to which I have become accustomed. "But Humpy, Baby, Mama!" I hear you beg on bended knee, "You know I ain't got no jack! How am I to come by the gravy you so desire?" Ho, HO! How good of you to ask. I have the perfect scheme for you to become my primary baller/shot-caller: Pitch a reality show to the networks!
As we all know, assholes like Survivor producer Mark Burnett are literally rolling in dough, thanks to one stupid idea. So I figure, if they can do it, why can't YOU? That's why I'm sponsoring the I Love Television™ Pitch-a-Reality-Show™ Contest! Here's how it works: You come up with a one-page description of a brand-new reality show, and send it to me. After I choose the best one, I'll personally send it to all the major networks, including a signed letter from me, saying that as a famous television columnist, your idea is the best goddam idea I've ever heard, and they would be idiots not to pay you a million bucks for it!! See? It's foolproof! Even better, the winner will have his or her entry printed in my column, and will win $25 cash money and a personally autographed can of Hormel chili! Omigod, it's like a dream come true!
What's that? You're stumped for ideas? Well, since I'm stone-cold in love with you, I guess it's my duty to help. Check this shit out!
Gonorrhea Peninsula-- Picture it: Sixteen horny people on a beautiful, secluded peninsula. But what's this? Somebody just got a nasty taste of the clap?! Now it's a race against time to discover which contestant spread the "fire in the hole."
Stupid MacGyver--In this slow-paced action/reality series, eight really stupid people are asked to escape from a locked room. All they have at their disposal is a pair of tweezers, a double-A battery, a Styrofoam cup, and the key to the door. Will they escape before starving to death?
Donkey Mansion--Seven contestants are locked in a beautiful mansion. But here's the catch! They have to be butlers and maids to 100 angry donkeys! That's right, just one slip-up (for example, bringing tonic water instead of Dom Perignon) and it's "HEE-HAW!" Ka-BOOM! A donkey kick into the next county!
As you can see, my love, it's that simple. So get off your adorable tushy, and send your idea to I Love Television™ Pitch-a-Reality-Show™ Contest™, c/o Portland Mercury, 1524 NW 23rd Ave, Suite 2, Portland, OR 97210. Or as always, e-mail it to firstname.lastname@example.org. I really don't care I love you both ways. Oh, and the deadline is Tuesday, February 20--so enter today! Are YOU the person who will win my love? Well, first let's fill up that wallet. Then we'll talk.