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Cylons Can Suck My Wiener

Wah-hoooo! Didja hear? Fancy-pants movie director Bryan Singer (The Usual Suspects, X-Men) has just announced that he's creating an updated version of Battlestar Galactica!

Wottayamean you don't remember it?! Battlestar Galactica was only one of the most expensive and brilliantly cheesy shows in TV history. Costing a million smackers per episode, the series starred former Alpo pitchman Lorne Greene (as Commander Adama), Richard "not the guy from Survivor" Hatch (as Apollo), and The A-Team's very own Dirk Benedict (as the devilishly handsome Starbuck--which I hope to god wasn't the inspiration behind the coffee company).

The year was 1978: Single-partner sex was out, snorting fistloads of cocaine was in, and a little movie named Star Wars turned George Lucas from a pudgy, geeky nobody into a pudgy, overrated kajillionaire. Around that time, executives over at the ABC network started thinking, "You know, I could probably engage in more sex orgies and snort more cocaine if I had a really excessive sci-fi TV show to brag about while banging hookers at Studio 54!" And Battlestar Galactica was born.

Leaving nothing to chance, the creators stole as many ideas as humanly possible from Star Wars, which included a race of humanoids on the lam from a bunch of tyrannical dicks, ass-loads of robots, and characters dressed in fancy capes (a fashion statement that, for some reason, has caught on with every planet in the universe except Earth).

Anyway, here's the basic story: In a galaxy far, far away there live colonies of humans who look exactly like us, except they wear the aforementioned fancy capes. For 1,000 years, they've been under attack by the Cylon alliance--a bunch of stinking robots whose eyes look like somebody forgot to shut their goddam blinkers off. So one day, the Cylons show up with a box of candy and flowers, saying, "Baby mama I'm sorry. I swear I'm-a-gonna do right. Just give me one more chance to freak you like I use-ta." And Lorne Greene says, "Mmmm okay," and invites them in. And then the Cylons say, "Ah-HA! We tricked you, Lorne Greene! Now we will invade your planet, snort all your cocaine, and scratch all your KC and the Sunshine Band albums!"

And Lorne Greene is all, "Oh, CRAP! We'd better load up the spaceships and visit our cousins Little Joe and Hoss on planet Earth." And Richard "not the guy from Survivor" Hatch says, "Are you sure that's cool just to drop in like that? Maybe we should call first." And Lorne is all, "What? You kiddin' me? They fawkin' love me on Earth! Now, where's my travel shampoo?"

So for the next two years, Lorne Greene and his crew are chased by the vicious Cylons--who, if you ask me, are just WAY too obsessive-compulsive. Then, 22 episodes later, ABC executives figured out that their million-buck-per-episode show had failed to impress any hookers, and canceled Galactica to make room for Mork & Mindy.

Today, Battlestar Galactica has a cult following made up of very intense nerds standing by in Internet chat rooms, ready to deconstruct every story and rumor about the new show until it comes out. To them I say, "I share your hardened-nipple excitement regarding Battlestar Galactica, and plan to watch every episode!" Now, get your foot off my fawking cape.

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