I Love Television 

Mysterio Sees All!

Failure. It is a concept that has grown wearisome.

Every fall I pick the best and worst new shows of the season, and every fall I am proven to be a complete idiot. Without fail, every show I think is brilliant is canceled after three episodes--and every show I think sucks dead hippo gravy ends up running for nine seasons. AND I'M SICK OF IT!

Longtime readers know that I have used any means necessary to make the best possible predictions, including: a highly technological TV computer; a psychic hired from the back of a tabloid; and a retarded, feces-throwing monkey named Chad whom I stole from the zoo. And NONE of 'em were any good at guessing which shows would be successful. Well, this year? My losing streak STOPS! Because I have devised the most ingenious television prediction device known to humankind: a psychic computerized monkey I call MYSTERIO, the Psychic Computerized Monkey!!

Actually, I didn't devise it. It was built by a bunch of egghead Japanese kids from the Montessori school down the street. BUT I PAID FOR IT, and therefore it is mine MINE TO CONTROL AND DO MY BIDDING!! Ha. Ha. HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAAAAAAAAA!

You think I am mad. Well, methinks YOU am mad, because after MYSTERIO, the Psychic Computerized Monkey!! correctly predicts the winners and losers of this fall TV season, I will be the most successful TV columnist IN THE WORLD!! Ha. Ha. HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAAAAAAAAA!

MYSTERIO, the Psychic Computerized Monkey!! Share with us your impacted wisdom! (This next part works best if you read it aloud in a Romanian accent, or some other accent from a Third World country.)

"Yessssss, master. The future, she has revealed herself to me! I see a very amusing show, master. It is called Undeclared, debuting Tuesday, September 18 on FOX, in which a group of college freshmen engage in what you call ANTICS. Will there be a character named D-Day who runs over Dean Wormer on his motorcycle? This I cannot see. However! The mists of time have revealed another important clue to its success the show's creator is Judd Apatow, who also gave us the wonderful Freaks and Geeks. Therefore, you can expect three glorious episodes before it is canceled."

YOU STUPID CRAP-EATING BUCKET OF MONKEY BOLTS!! That's not what I want to hear!! Give me some good news!!

"Yessss, master. You will undoubtedly be pleased to learn that Ellen DeGeneres is returning to television. Ellen plays a gay Internet executive who gets fired and is forced to--hee, hee, heee! Now get this--move back in with her parents!! Oh, ho, ho, hooo! Ahhh, gay-themed hilarity will most certainly ensue as our beleaguered Ellen must balance the whimsical vagaries of family life and eating girl-pussy."

WHAT?? Goddam those kids at the Montessori school!! I apologize, folks. Apparently MYSTERIO, the Psychic Computerized Monkey!! is in actuality MYSTERIO, the Filthy Trench-Mouth!! I will supervise the repairs personally, and we will return next week with 100 percent accurate predictions and no dirty talk.

"Ellen eats girl-pussy."

I SAID SHUT UP!!!

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