I Love Television 

Dear I Love Television™ Readers,

And so once again, I am forced to defend myself against rantings from the angry maw of Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, the usual producer of this inane tripe known as I Love Television™. To explain: Last week, in this very space, in this very rag, Mr. Humphrey squandered his already oversized word count not on the usual tales of his "honey-baked ham," nor on his dubious claims that he is "home of the Whopper" (hello, Mr. Overcompensation!), but rather chose to lash out at me yet again with the ridiculous claim that I am "totally in love with Aquaman."

This, of course, is absolute horse hockey. For those who have not followed Mr. Humphrey's continuing attempts to bait me into an "Aquaman: Oui or Non?" debate over the years, this whole feud--this whole ridiculous, obtuse argument--dates back to a conversation Mr. Humphrey and I once had (whilst blotto) during which he claimed Batman was a far superior superhero to Aquaman. My response, which is just as correct today as it was that blissful drunken night, was that (A) Yes, Batman is cooler than Aquaman; however, (B) Batman is not a better superhero than Aquaman, since Batman has no special powers, and is therefore not a superhero at all, but rather, more of a vigilante.

Aquaman has a number of special powers (the ability to breathe underwater, the ability to communicate with undersea life, the ability to fly, etc.), thereby classifying him, technically, as a "superhero." Batman is devoid of such powers. Hence: Batman--superhero? No way, José! But still, and despite my rather lucid (and obviously correct) argument described above, Mr. Humphrey persists with his ridiculous attacks against both me and my good name. And to what end? For nothing more than his own juvenile masturbatory blathering, which is sad, since Mr. Humphrey is occasionally a man of wit and intelligence (though both of those attributes seem to diminish with each passing year).

Do I believe Aquaman is a great superhero? Of course not! Only a fool would say that. Am I "totally in love with Aquaman," as Mr. Humphrey implies? Again, no; love is a cherished feeling that should not be squandered on the insignificant, but rather held close to the pocket and unleashed only upon those who are most deserving (i.e., hot, hot chicks with giant boobies). Since Aquaman is not a hot, hot chick, nor does he have giant boobies, mi no amoré, Aquaman! And that's the truth, Ruth!

During these troubled times, I suggest that the handful of I Love Television™ weekly readers turn their focus upon a column of merit, rather than waste their precious gray matter on the juvenile trash Mr. Humphrey scrawls out in crayon week after week. We are a nation at war, after all, struggling to preserve democracy against the forces of evil--and whether Mr. Humphrey chooses to admit it or not, there is no room for his sort of imbecilic tomfoolery in USA 2001.

Love, and God bless, Bradley Steinbacher


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