I Love Television 

In Moratorium

Okay, so you know about aneurysms, right? That's what you get when someone does something so remarkably stupid that a vein in your brainpan goes KER-BLOOEY! I've had about 16 of them, and let me tell you, all things being equal? I'd rather be serenaded by Nelly Furtado. However! I figured out a way to cut my aneurysms in half with something called a "Moratorium List." Here's how it works: Whenever you feel like your noggin is gonna blow, you write the perpetrator's name down on a "Moratorium List"--meaning, from that moment on, the person CEASES TO EXIST.

Now personally I prefer to carve their names into my wall with a knife. But that's just me. And another thing! The "Moratorium List" can also be known as the "Die, DIE, DIE!!!! List," but since my lawyer warned me about using my column as a forum for death threats, "Moratorium" it is! But here's where the problem lies. Most of the time when I add a name to the list, the person actually does the right thing and ceases to exist. But SOMETIMES, they DON'T cease to exist, and keep coming back like a goddam herpes sore!! Which isn't exactly GREAT for my freaking ANEURYSMS, if you know what I MEAN!!

Example! Dr. Peter Benton on ER! For seven freaking years I've watched this jackass try to act his way through a piece of moist Kleenex, and as yet? He hasn't made a dent! And so, after a lengthy stay on my Moratorium List, Dr. Benton FINALLY decided to leave the show. But get this! Now the producers want to bring him back for a series of episodes!! Excuse me, but I've just finished mopping up the blood from the last Benton-inspired aneurysm!!

Example TWO! Riley from Buffy the Vampire Slayer! So after Buffy got dumped by Angel, she hooks up with this paramilitary jarhead named Riley, right? Who has all the personality of a CAKE OF SOAP! Oh, sure! He may be built like a brick shithouse, but he was always "Boo-hoo-hoo! Buffy's stronger than me! Boo-hoo-hoo! Buffy doesn't love me as much as she loves Angel! Boo-hoo-hoo! Humpy put me on his Moratorium List!" Well, Riley finally got something to cry about: a nice lengthy stay in the unemployment line! Happy ending, right? WRONG! Because on February 26, Riley is returning for a guest shot on Buffy, which means he's #17 in Humpy's "Aneurysm Hit Parade"!

And, most egregiously, EXAMPLE THREE! The fawking cast of Friends! Every year the show gets worse, and every year NBC gives them more money! Last year each cast member was making $750,000 per episode! And guess what they're asking for next season? Oh, just a tiny raise to $1.25 MILLION per episode!! Christ! That's like giving a red-ass ape a lifetime supply of poop and saying, "C'mon baby! Throw it at me!" That's like giving Enron the rest of your money and throwing in a dump truck full of hookers and coke!! That's like

POW!!! Ouch. Okay, we're gonna need a mop over here. And maybe a bucket?

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