As you probably know, I'm the last human being in the universe to give MTV a freaking break. And why should I?!? Buncha freaking JERKS is what they is! Sure, they started out all cool, playing the Duran Duran, the Men Without Hats, and the Kajagoogoo. But now they're all, "We hate the Kajagoogoo, and so we're only going to broadcast stupid reality shows, and if we have time maybe we'll show the same four videos over and over for the next seven months!" And THAT, my friends is not right. It's CRAP!
However! There comes a time in life when even Humpy has to eat his shorts and admit that maybeee MTV has finally stumbled onto a good idea, and maybeee they're not just a bunch of coke-snorting jackasses with an unreasonable fear of the Kajagoogoo.
Now, as we all know, MTV practically invented the reality-show format (thanks a bunch, meat-face!) with The Real World and Road Rules. And much to their chagrin, the idea was improved upon by Survivor, Big Brother, and the cow-eyeball-eating Fear Factor. Overcome with jealousy, dumbass MTV finally said, "Enough am enough!" and decided to take their idea in a whole new direction--the result is The Osbournes, a "reality sitcom" starring Black Sabbath's Ozzy Osbourne.
And goddammit! I hate to admit it, but this idea may actually be well ummm "good." Here's the concept: The Osbourne family (wife Sharon, teenagers Jack and Kelly, and papa Ozzy) gave MTV unlimited access to their home for six months. And the result is a hee-larious look at a nuclear family gone kablooey! Most of the problems the Osbournes encounter would be considered extremely normal--that is, if the father wasn't the grandpappy of heavy metal, with a reputation for gnawing the heads off of bats.
Example one! Sibling rivalry is no stranger in the Osbourne household, and when the punkish Kelly and Jack start mixing it up, Ozzy relieves the situation by pulling them together and saying, "Kids. You gotta understand where I'm coming from. I love you both more than life itself, but you're all fucking mad."
Example two! In another episode, when the kids are planning a party, Ozzy gives some fatherly advice: "Please don't get drunk or stoned tonight, or I'm gonna get fucking pissed. Oh and if you have sex, wear a condom." (At this suggestion, Kelly reacts as if she's been hit in the face with a baseball bat.)
Other episodes revolve around Ozzy being unable to work the TV's remote control, trying to rescue the family's "motherfuckin' cat" who's stuck in a tree, and giving advice to Kelly about getting a tattoo ("one tattoo got so infected, my arm blew up like a balloon"). The Osbournes premieres on MTV on Tuesday, March 5 at 10:30 p.m., and while I am loath to admit it, they may actually have a hit on their hands. HEY! Maybe this would be a good time to pitch MY reality TV show idea, Meet the Kajagoogoos!