Okay. You remember Christopher Reeve, right? He starred in those Superman movies, and got tossed off a horse and was subsequently paralyzed from the neck down? Right, that's the guy. Now, I don't have anything against that. I mean, of course, I have something against him being paralyzed you'd have to be some kind of Nazi creep to want someone to be paralyzed but you get what I mean. Right? Right.
Anyway! The reason I'm bringing this up, and placing my entire career as a columnist in jeopardy--and come to think of it, I'll probably never be able to get a job anywhere 'cause who in their right mind would hire anyone who dissed Christopher Reeve? Not that I'm dissing him but here's the point! I'm reading this news story about Christopher Reeve, and though his doctors say he'll never leave his wheelchair, Reeve has promised to walk again by this coming September. And while I have nothing against that, I do have something against the ABC network and their plan to air three specials documenting Christopher Reeve trying to walk! And I'm sorry, but I just don't think that's a good idea!
And you know, it's not that I have anything against Christopher Reeve right, I already said that, and I also already said that I do have something against him, so I guess I'd better tell you what it is: I don't like him. There, I said it. I don't like Christopher Reeve. And it's not because he's paralyzed, it's just because I never liked him, pre-paralyzed or post-. I mean, I don't know maybe he's nice. I just don't like him. Is that a crime? Am I Hitler because I don't like Christopher Reeve? Well, maybe I am, but tell the truth--before his horse accident, you didn't like him much either!!
But that's not the point. The point is that these ABC specials are pointless. I mean, are they supposed to be inspirational? Because if you're paralyzed, you'll either walk again or you won't--right? And if someone who can't walk again sees Christopher Reeve walking, won't they feel like shit? And if it doesn't inspire paralyzed people, then who is it supposed to inspire? It's not like some fat slob is gonna jump off his couch after watching the show and yell, "Goddammit! If Christopher Reeve can walk again, then there's nothing stopping me from getting my degree in air conditioner repair!"
So anyway, that's all I wanted to say. I have nothing against Christopher Reeve walking, I just don't like the idea of him walking on television, and although they're all probably very nice, I still don't like the ABC network or Christopher Reeve. I shall now pack my bags, and if you have any mean letters you'd like to send, go ahead--but I don't think they deliver mail in Bolivia. (Although I'm sure they're working on that.)