I Love Television 

Nature Wars!

God!! The networks can be so INFURIATING!! My job is to pick out the best upcoming television shows, mix in a few jokes about monkeys and my honey-baked ham, and then regurgitate it back to you on a weekly basis. Am I right? So HOW am I supposed to do my job when the network pee-holes refuse to inform me when a groundbreaking show is coming on? And the groundbreaking show was, of COURSE, last Wednesday's airing of Fox's Man vs. Beast!

I mean, C'MON!! They promo the shit out of that stoopid Joe Millionaire show, and they can't fork over a few extra dollars to trumpet what will surely be the next wave of reality programming? For those who missed it, Man vs. Beast was intended to answer the age-old question: "Who is superior--MAN OR BEAST?" And while they could have easily settled the question by sending a local chapter of the NRA on a field trip to the zoo, the ever-compassionate network tried to make the competition as fair as possible.

For example! They had a champion human sprinter race a giraffe (that sounds fair), an eating competition between a man and a bear (that's UNFAIR--unless we're talking about that skinny Asian kid who's the world's hot dog eating champion), and a bunch of marines against a monkey on an obstacle course (REALLY unfair; the marines could've kicked ass in a crap-throwing contest). However! Probably the most unfair match-up was between an elephant and a group of midgets to see who could pull a DC-10 airplane the longest distance! Oh, PLEASE! Everybody knows that midgets are lazy! Give 'em a break, for the love of Christ!

Now do you see why I'm furious I couldn't warn you about this show earlier? This is just the sort of television you should be watching. Not only is it culturally edifying, but it also signals the dawn of a new era in reality TV. As you know, the reason networks produce so much reality television is because they don't have to pay the participants--like that bitch Ted Danson--a lot of money. But now they've realized they can save even MORE money if they don't use humans at all, and hire animals! They literally work for peanuts!!

That's why I've decided now is the best time to pitch my new show idea to the networks. And my new show is called NATURE WARS. Here's my pitch: You can pretty much turn on the Discovery Channel any day of the week and see two lions or rhinos duking it out, right? Well, that's BORING! Who cares if one alligator can beat the crap out of another? See, my show will be about interspecies fighting!

"This week on Nature Wars it's anybody's guess who will emerge victorious when we present FROG vs. SQUIRREL in a protracted battle to the death! Next, witness the terrifying clash of titans when the physically imposing STORK goes mano a mano with the always deceptive RAT! Then prepare yourself for the ultimate in animal warfare when the wily COW defends its interspecies title against the young upstart DONKEY!"

And this, my friend, is what truly separates me from the animals--I know how to make money off of them.

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