Jeremy Eaton
Spinning Off

For those among us who think life is like a sitcom, you are officially stoopid. I mean, c'mon!! Have you ever been accidentally locked in a freezer with your father-in-law? Do you have a smart-mouthed kid who's smarter than you are? Are you a maid who works for a rich honky and two black orphans? See life is definitely NOT a sitcom.

However! Life IS like a spinoff! And like a spinoff (wherein a minor character gets his or her own TV series), we often find ourselves in situations where one minute we're in a stable environment of family and friends and POOF! Suddenly we're cooling our heels in a filthy Albuquerque jail because of some bullshit trumped-up charge about banging the mayor's underage daughter--even though the daughter was CLEARLY 18!!

But I digress. My point is that one situation can quickly "spin off" into something entirely new and THAT, my friends, is what LIFE is all ABOUT!

So, anyway, while TV is famous for doing spinoffs (like Mork & Mindy, Facts of Life, and Angel), it's also famous for doing really crappy spinoffs (like Joanie Loves Chachi, Trapper John, M.D., and anything with the name Law & Order in front of it). And though the producers of Buffy the Vampire Slayer are planning a potentially great spinoff starring Eliza Dushku (the troubled but sexy slayer Faith), most spinoffs are simply big chunky piles of donkey droppings--i.e., anything with the name Law & Order in front of it.

And that's really too bad, because there are so many great characters out there who would be perfect in their own spinoffs! For example.

The Hammer and Manny Mo Show: If you've been watching The Surreal Life (WB, Thursdays, 9 pm), then you already know that MC Hammer and the diminutive star of Webster (Emmanuel "Manny Mo" Lewis) are the funnest TV duo ever. So let's give them their own show! Here's the plot: Due to a voting snafu, Hammer and Webster have both been elected president of the United States. And their V.P. is this uptight white guy who's trying to convince them to invade Iraq, but our presidents are too busy dancing to care! Stop Hammer-Time! Yeaaaaahhhhhhhh! Or how about.

Francie, the Evil Clone: We were shocked when Sydney's roommate Francie was murdered and replaced by an evil clone on the hit series Alias (ABC, Sundays, 9 p.m.). But instead of "killing her off," how about "spinning her off"--into a wacky sitcom! After a narrow escape, Francie the Evil Clone moves to Chicago where she goes to work for a temp agency. But here's the funny part! Every week she gets a new job and kills everyone in her office! Yeaaaaahhhhhhhh! Or how about.

Law & Order: Lame-Ass Scriptwriters Unit: This spinoff of Law & Order would be about some lame-ass scriptwriters who are trying to dream up a new lame-ass spinoff for Law & Order but they can't because they're systematically murdered by an evil temp clone named Francie! Yeaaaaahhhhhhhh!

(Waitasecond there's gotta be a way to work MC Hammer and Webster into this story. Maybe Francie gets a presidential pardon?)