I Love Television 

Your New TV Show!

Check it! Who's the nicest TV columnist in the world? You're goddamn right it's me! And this week's "Nice Thing I'm Going to Do for You" is called "Making You a Crap-Load of Money." How do we accomplish this? By turning you into a fancy-shmancy television producer! It's a scientific fact that you have at least as many brains as the average network producer. So let's take those brains, develop a TV pilot, and pretty soon you'll be just like them: snorkeling in tubs of money, and peeing into the Pope's hat!

So how does one get a TV pilot on the air? Usually it's incredibly difficult, but thanks to the folks at E! Entertainment Television, it just got a whole lot easier. They're putting together a new program entitled Auto Pilot, where schlubs just like you and me can pitch ideas for shows. Here's how it works: Write up a 10-minute script for your pilot, act it out on videotape, and send it in! (www.eonline.com/On/Shows/Signup/autopilot.html.)

Now most TV columnists would stop right there and bury their faces in a pile of cocaine. NOT ME. I bury my face in cocaine BEFORE writing my columns, thereby saving you MONEY and TIME. Plus! I go the extra mile by helping furnish actual ideas for your TV pilot, just in case you happen to be stupid. Okay... now... let's see... what's "hot" right now? Partial-birth abortions? Sure, it's topical, but a show about partial-birth abortions hasn't worked since Webster. Let's see... how about "WAR"? Why, these days people are plumb crazy over "war"! And I just happen to have three terrific ideas for "war" TV shows... wanna see them? Yes, you DO!

TV Pilot Idea #1: Iraqi Vice. First of all, record a bunch of footage off CNN of America bombing the shit out of Iraq. Then intercut that footage with shots of YOU dressed in really sharp clothes, running around rescuing hot chicks! See? It's just like Miami Vice... except in IRAQ!

TV Pilot Idea #2: Teenage George W. Bush. Audiences absolutely LOVE hot teen dramas like Dawson's Creek and Smallville. So take George Bush, Jacques Chirac, Saddam Hussein, and Osama bin Laden and put 'em in high school together. "Hey, check out the new girl... what's her name? Condoleezza Rice? I call her 'Condoleezza NICE!' Owwww!"

TV Pilot Idea #3: Hussein in the Hizz-ouse! When President Bush gave dictator Saddam Hussein 48 hours to clear out of Iraq, he surely didn't mean for Hussein and his two rambunctious sons to move into the White House! This week's episode: Embarrassing hilarity ensues when Osama bin Laden unexpectedly drops by for dinner--claiming to be Saddam's best friend! Ka-BOINNNG!!

By the way, these ideas are yours for the taking! (Just remember me the next time you're peeing in the Pope's hat.)

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