Okay I've decided that this time, I'm not going to freak out. However, I will quietly note that my newest idea for an extremely successful TV show has not been included in the list of new fall shows. AND THIS IS FAWKING FAWKED UP!! See, every year at this time, the networks trot out their preliminary season lineups to see if anyone laughs at them. Naturally, they get laughed at, but the shows that get laughed at the least get to hang around sometimes for 12 years like that stoopid ER.
But let's get back to ME. I came up with my most BRILLIANT idea yet for a show, and it appears that I have once again been pooh-poohed! Just listen to my pitch, and tell me it's not the BEST idea since mesh underpants.
It's called Millionaire Gloryhole. And here's how it works. All millionaires like oral sex, right? Show me one who doesn't. Anyway, we find some rich moneybags, dress him up in a top hat, tails, and monocle, and ask him to stick his pee-pee through a hole in the wall. (Okay, I know what you're thinking but bear with me! It's not as dirty as it sounds!) Then we line up 20 people on the other side of the wall to orally gratify the millionaire, and he gives a million smackers to whoever does the best "job"!! (Okay, maybe it is as dirty as it sounds but wait! There's a twist!)
Naturally, the millionaire wants to meet this person who is so skilled in the art of mouth-to-organ manipulation, right? So we slowly slide back the gloryhole wall to reveal A DONKEY!! See? The millionaire doesn't know we replaced the winner with a donkey, so he's all Ka-BOIING!! Then his monocle is all SPROINGG! And then he's all ker-PLOP!!
HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Is that the greatest show ever, or what?? Yes, it is! Which makes it even more idiotic that the networks picked up the following shows instead of mine!
Whoopi (NBC)--You heard right: Whoopi Freaking Goldberg. In this so-called "comedy," Whoopi stars as a failed singer who's constantly annoyed by her "white-acting" black brother and his "black- acting" white girlfriend. You'll recognize me as the one acting like he gives a shit.
Navy CIS (CBS)--It's like a fawking nightmare! CBS has somehow devised a way to spin off two of its crappiest shows into one! Mark "Ugghh!!" Harmon stars as a withering naval investigator (see: JAG) heading up the Criminal Investigative Service (CIS, or see: CSI). I'd rather consume vomit.
Tarzan and Jane (WB)--Oh, puh-LEEZE! Another update of the decrepit tale of Tarzan, this time set in modern-day New York, where Jane is a cop and Tarzan (played by a former Calvin Klein underwear model) traipses around naked except for a tiny rag covering his juicy fruit. Waitasecond this doesn't sound half bad.
Regardless! It's an indisputable fact that a millionaire being fellated by a donkey is better than all these ideas combined! (Not to mention my great idea for a spinoff called The Donkey with a Million-Dollar Mouth.)