There are two reasons why I sometimes wonder if I'm gay: (a) I often dream of Colin Farrell and his underpants, and (b) I like money. A gross generalization? Perhaps. Maybe it's because they were never hampered by so many dead-end breeder-style relationships, but it is nevertheless a scientific fact: Gays like to make money.
"OH, REALLY?!" I hear you expel. "Well, Mr. Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me, I've certainly heard tell of a wiener or two in your mouth--so pray tell, where's all YOUR money?" Good question! My problem is that I'm a "dabbler." This is to say that when my mouth is full, so are my pockets. However, when I see a sweet piece of pootie-pie? All my hard-earned dough flies out the window! So even though I get double the booty from my dabbling lifestyle, I only get half the money. This is my curse.
Now my only problem is trying to decide if I had a point to make when I started this article ah, yes! My point was, "Since gays have more money, we should try to make more money off the gays!" And before you blow your self-righteous wig, I'm not talking about stealing their money I just think more products and services should be marketed to gays, besides those hideous rainbow flags and the occasional studded cock ring. I mean, C'MON! Where are the gay exotic reptile stores? Where are the gay mattress factory outlets? Where are the gay magazines (besides Details and Martha Stewart Living)?
Once again it's up to TELEVISION to overcome the capitalistic homophobia of this country, and produce new gay products for this increasingly gay world. And I'm not talking about another "very special episode" of Will & Grace, either! I'm talking about the gayest of all gay cable networks, BRAVO. While any jackass can write a gay sitcom, only the brainiest of jackasses can come up with a GAY REALITY SHOW! And happily for all you Gaylord McGayersons out there, Bravo has come up with not one, but two of 'em!
The first debuts in July and is called Queer Eye for the Straight Guy; in it, five fantabulous queers do a head-to-toe makeover on a schlubby, grubby breeder boy. Every week a random straight guy will be taught the finer points of fashion, food, wine, interior design, grooming, and culture! It's like the Super Friends coming to the rescue, except they're even gayer than usual!
But wait'll you hear about the second show! It's called Boy Meets Boy, it also debuts in July, and if you like those hetero-centric programs like The Bachelor, you're gonna love this one! One hunky single gay is given the once-in-a-lifetime chance to choose between 15 gorgeous guys by going out on dates, enjoying romantic dinners, and sneaking peeks at their gorgeous boo-tays. BUT THERE'S A TWIST! A couple of these guys will actually be (gasp!) STRAIGHT! Will the breeders be able to hide their secret? Or will they be discovered after being unable to identify an eyebrow tweezer?
DO YOU SEE? FINALLY? Bravo knows how to make some money, and it's by catering to the gays! And I'm gonna be the next person to climb on the gay money train with my newest product, the Hamilton Beach GAY Fry Daddy. Woo! Woooooo! Allllll aboard!