Jeremy Eaton
Revenge of the Readers

It's a scientiFIc fact most network executives are crack-addicted sadists who drink the blood of virgins and are infected with a number of mind-altering STDs. And yet, these are the same people who develop new reality shows! It's not FAIR, goddammit! After all, at least half of my readers smoke crack and drink the blood of virgins--and where are THEIR brilliant ideas for reality shows?!

I'll tell you where they are: ON THIS VERY PAGE. A few weeks ago, I asked readers to send in their ideas for "a new reality show that hasn't been invented yet." And unsurprisingly, their ideas make everything currently on TV look like a pile of something that just fell out of a donkey's bottom. Here are just a few of the mind-bogglingly intelligent ideas you came up with--and if any network executives out there try to steal them, they'll be drinking their virgins' blood through a straw!

The Blind Gay, the Deaf Neo-Nazi, and Their One-Legged Children. What happens when a blind gay and a deaf neo-Nazi raise a houseful of rambunctious one-legged kids? I don't know, but one thing's for sure HILARITY WILL ENSUE. Thanks to Jeremy for his terrific idea!

Stereotypical Asian Martial Artist Island. According to "Cave," who came up with this idea, "The title might be a little misleading, because it wouldn't actually be on an island. Anyway, Asian martial artists would ambush contestants while they went about their daily routines. I'm not sure what the point of the show is--I just really want to see a bunch of Shaolin monks bust in on a board meeting and start kicking ass." And so would we! Thanks, Cave!

Impregnated by America. Here's a surefire winner dreamed up by Jason, who explains, "Twelve prospective daddies fill a cup, stir, and administer their product to one hopeful mommy-to-be. Then nine months later everybody gets a blood test to see who wins a lifetime of child support!" But there's more. "And think of the spinoff potential: Impregnated by Celebrity America? Impregnated Tournament of Champions? Impregnated by Canada? Queer Eye for the Infertile Straight Guy?"

Hell House. Sean has come up with a great twist on Big Brother. "Except in this one," he says, "they randomly torture guests with ice-cold showers, electro-shock light switches, knockout gas, guard dogs released into the backyard, and food laced with poo-poo medicine!"

Crime Spree. Pete's idea has real potential! He says, "A group of actual professional thieves have three months to break into a museum and steal something big like the Hope Diamond. Meanwhile, real security experts try to stop them! Whoever succeeds splits a cool million." Omigod. I would never stop watching this show!

Medieval Real World. And finally, history buff Lance imagines a show where "12 young adults are forced to live in a dilapidated castle that is under constant threat from the bubonic plague. Producers use a catapult to throw rancid food and plague-ridden rats over the wall, and every week the cast members must wheel out one of their dead. The upside is they've got a hot tub."