Jeremy Eaton
OhÉ myÉ god. Look at you! Sitting around looking like a poster child for National Depression Screening week. Know what your problem is? Oh, I'll tell you what your problem is! You lack the key ingredient needed to turn you into a useful, functioning member of society. And that's PEP, goddammit! PEP!!!

I'm serious! You're like the entire cast of My So-Called Life rolled into one big pep-less package of poop! If I was there right now, I'd grab you and SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE you until all that mopeyness came squirting out of your various holes. As a matter of fact, that's not a bad idea! I want you to stand upÉ I SAID STAND UP, GODDAMMIT!!! Now I want you to wrap yourself in this paper, and shake every last ounce of ennui from your system. I SAID SHAKE, GODDAMMIT!!!

Okay, that's moderately better. Now, go to the bathroom and wash all the newsprint off your face. When you return we'll discuss today's featured television show, Camp Jim, a cheerleading instruction program that will hopefully inspire you to develop a bit more pep. I SAID GO TO THE BATHROOM, GODDAMMIT!!!

Now, Camp Jim stars Jim McMullanÉ who is only the greatest cheerleading instructor in the WORLD, and has won six national titles in five years! (As opposed to YOU, who's spent the past five years fingering the lint in your bellybutton.) Every week, Jim will choose five extremely fortunate teenagers and teach them everything they need to know about competitive cheerleading, includingÉ

What to call your underpants. Knowing how to hop up and down and scream really loud is only half the battle! Don't forget the most important item in your wardrobe: the underpants--or as they are known in cheering circles, "bloomers," "spankies," or "lollipops." These are extremely necessary; if you aren't wearing them, you could end a basket toss with one of your gay teammate's hands wedged in your vagina--something judges generally frown upon.

"Selling" a "facial." Another incalculably important aspect of cheering. "Selling" means to exaggerate what you're doing in order to give it more appeal. For example, I would like you to "sell" the idea you give a shit. Now, in the "porn" world, a "facial" is something kind of dirty. But in cheerleading parlance, a "facial" means shooting sperm all over someone's face. Wait a secondÉ noÉ that's right.

Being able to take criticism from an aging gay cheerleader seriously. This is possibly the most important thing you'll learn at Camp Jim. Let's say you're having trouble mastering a "toe-touch Kewpie, dropping into an unassisted vagina wedged spanky." You're at the peak of your frustration when Jim stomps his foot and barks, "Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it." You must learn to suppress your feelings of rage until after practice--then you can sneak into his bedroom and cram your lollipops down his throat.

SEE?!? This is what I'm talking about, goddammit! It's YOU watching Camp Jim every week (Mondays, MTV, 4 pm), and then getting off your ASS and showing a little PEP!! Now, put on your lollipops and get ready for your facial. ReadyÉ OH-KAY!