I Love Television 

High on Boohballs

As a parent of at least 27 illegitimate children (that I know of), I think it's important to set a good example for the youth of today. And since I'm physically incapable of doing so, I expect others to take up the slack. That being said, what the FREAK is going on with kiddie shows today? Suddenly, watching kid TV is like eating mushroom-laced spaghetti and drinking acid Kool-Aid while listening to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon--backwards!

Naturally, I'm talking about the new PBS kiddie show Boohbah (weekdays, OPB, 7 am). Talk about your marijuana freakout! Boohbah makes those fat gay Teletubbies look like a gang of virgin librarians on a field trip to the cotton candy factory!

Don't believe me? Dig this actual quote from the online Boohbah page: "The Boohbahs are five colorful atoms of energy... powered by the laughter and joy of children. [They] live in a glowing white ball of light, the Boohball, which travels from country to country. Each Boohbah has a 'recharging pod' within the Boohball. The recharging energy is created by the laughter of children when they play with the Boohball, the Boohbahs and the Storypeople."

WHAT THE FAWK?!?!?

Boohbahs? Boohballs? Storypeople?? It's like the show was made up by my old college roommate, Burnout Dan, who would swallow hallucinogenic pharmaceuticals like Tic Tacs and spend hours examining the "amazing subatomic universe" of dirt under his fingernails. And if you think that's weird, wait until you see the show! Rainbows, swirling psychedelic colors, dancing furry aliens--it's like that time I hit my head on the washing machine after huffing a hankie full of gasoline!

The show starts with the Boohball flying down from space (on a rainbow, no less), so it can visit children all over the world. The Boohbahs--who look like weird furry turtles with blinky lights on their foreheads--jump out and introduce themselves. There's "Humbah," who is yellow (AKA the color of COWARDS), "Zumbah," who's purple (AKA the color of houses belonging to OLDER LESBIANS), "Zing Zing Zingbah," who's orange (AKA the color of ORANGES), "Jumbah," who's blue (AKA the color of MANIC DEPRESSIVES), and "Jingbah," who's pink (AKA the color of SALMON).

The Boohbahs then lead the viewer in a tripped-out dance number, which is often augmented by loud fart sounds. (Obviously, fart sounds are often the only way of eliciting a response from a drugged-out stoner.) This is followed by a group of children "blowing" a present to the "Storypeople"--much in the same way Stevie Nicks' assistant was rumored to have blown cocaine up her ass.

After the story is told, there's more swirly Grateful Dead-style dancing, before the Boohbahs finally pile back into the Boohball to fly to yet another country--probably Bolivia, in order to stock up on more "marching powder." Now, you call this a kiddie show? Where's the freaking DEA when you need them?!?

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