Jeremy Eaton
I've never had the inclination to run for public office. Why? Because I can bang interns and smoke crack whenever I like! I don't need "voters" to tell me that it's okay to lie, be sexually promiscuous, and manipulate the underprivileged--I've already accomplished two out of three, and it's still early in the week! If you ask me, politicians have a screw loose in their melons. Who in their right mind would want to do it? Maybe it was different in the olden days, but being a politician now is worse than being J.Lo, Mary-Kate Olsen, and Martha Stewart rolled into one--the press won't leave your shit alone!

See, that's why we're stuck with such lousy candidates: With every politician under a microscope, the only people who would ever want the job are psychological nutbag sociopaths. Take George W. Bush for example. Okay, I rest my case. Now let's take John Kerry: See, if I were the Democratic National Committee and Kerry was the best thing on the menu? I'd blow my goddamn head off! Jesus Christ, what a freaking wet mop! I've been to parties where coma patients are more fun. Kerry is so boring, he could be the national spokesperson for chalk. If given the choice of spending an hour with Kerry or doing anything else, I would prefer to have every member of a leper colony spit in my mouth. THAT'S how boring John Kerry is!

And speaking of the political process, and as long as we're making choices, let's play a fun game called, "Which reality show would you rather be on?" Our first contestant is a brand-new show debuting at 9:00 p.m. this Sunday, August 1, on Showtime called American Candidate, and the premise is both simple and familiar: Ten real candidates are running for president of the United States, and you decide who you like best. Spanning the political gamut of Democrats, Republicans, Independents, Greens, and Libertarians, American Candidate pits these candidates against each other in challenges designed to see who would make the best president. Naturally, the public will be the deciding factor, voting off the candidates one by one. However, the winner will receive $200,000 and network-TV airtime to try and drum up support for an actual write-in vote for November!

Okay, now here's the second reality show, set to debut next year on NBC, entitled Double or Nothing. Again, a very simple premise: The contestant must sell everything he or she owns, tally up his or her entire net worth, and use all of it to make ONE BET on a roulette wheel's red or black (this is NO JOKE). Pick the right color, and you've doubled your life savings; pick the wrong color and you're fighting over a rancid hot dog inside a dumpster. [Go to now to apply!]

So... which of the previous shows would you choose to be on? My choice is obvious: Double or Nothing! I'm sorry, but I would HAPPILY risk every penny I own to avoid spending one minute with nine presidential doorknobs. In fact, rather than being on American Candidate, I would rather star in Who Wants to Be Tortured by the Red Chinese? I'd try out for a show called Let's Sit on a Rusty, Malfunctioning Electric Eggbeater. I'd rather be a contestant on Eat an Egg Salad Sandwich Vomited on by Lenny Kravitz! I'd rather audition for... hey. HEY! I'm not finished! Where are you going?!?