Jeremy Eaton
Like a particularly stubborn case of genital warts, so arrives another new season of television shows. However, that's not going to stop me from reporting on each and every one--and collecting a sizable paycheck to boot. So let's get started, shall we? And while you won't want to miss your favorite returning shows (i.e. Tom Welling dreaming up new ways of removing his shirt on Smallville; see listings for details), this column will cover all the new shows debuting the coming week of September 16 to September 22. So empty that colostomy bag, and get ready to take a bumpy ride... into the craptacular!

* Commando Nanny (WB, 8:30, debuts Friday, Sept. 17). While I wish this show were about former Nanny star Fran Drescher blowing the shit out of al Qaeda operatives in Afghanistan--once again I'm fawked. Commando Nanny revolves around a British Special Forces soldier who takes a job--get this--taking care of three lovable brats. (Sir! Permission to slit their throats in their sleep, SIR!)

* Listen Up (CBS, 8:30 pm, debuts Monday, Sept. 20). Poor disgusting Jason Alexander. In the new crap-com Listen Up, the former George Costanza plays a sportscaster based on real-life ESPN anchor Tony Kornheiser--who no one knows, nor gives two shits about. When Georgie isn't sportscasting, he's home engaging in familiar sitcom family hijinx. Oh, PLEASE! This tub of lard can't even sell Kentucky Fried Chicken without screwing it up!

* Rodney (ABC, 9:30 pm, debuts Tuesday, Sept. 21). Here's a fascinatingly original idea: a stand-up comic (Rodney Carrington) starring in a sitcom about a guy who wants to be a stand-up comic. WOW. That is blowing my FREAKING MIND. But don't worry, the mind-numbingly boring home life of this father, his two shitheel kids, and gorgeous deadbrain wife is sure to calm my marijuana freakout. Next!

* Veronica Mars (UPN, 8 pm, debuts Wednesday, Sept. 22). This show is on UPN... which means you're not going to watch it. A 17-year-old hottie helps her private eye pappy nab crooks with her hotness and mad kung-fu skills. (You're still not going to watch it, are you? Didn't think so.)

* The Mountain (WB, 9 pm, debuts Wednesday, Sept. 22). It's like The O.C. , except EXTREEEEEEME! Another soapster about a hunky teen who returns home to help run the family's fancy mountain resort. And while it may be low on bikinis, this snowy soap is high on perky nipples!

* CSI: NY (CBS, 10 pm, debuts Wednesday, Sept. 22). The grotesque and therefore entertaining CSI franchise spawns yet another demon-child. Formerly respectable actor Gary Sinise leads a team of hotshit forensic scientists in a new season of sticking their hands in some dead guy's guts.

* Lost (ABC, 8 pm, debuts Wednesday, Sept. 22). FINALLY! A potentially non-craptacular show! Former Party of Fiver Matthew Fox leads 14 survivors who have crash-landed on a deserted island. It's like Gilligan's Island, except the Professor is porking Ginger, and an evil beast is eating Thurston Howell's ass off. And THAT, my friends, is entertainment.

The New Fall Season: It's Craptacular