I Love Television 

The Crap Just Keeps on Crappin'

Okay... look. I'm not asking for a thank you, I'm not asking for extra money. All I'm asking for is a little ass rub. And before you say no, think about it! Who else is going to sit through all these craptacularly crappy new TV shows and warn you about the crap you should avoid? Okay, a lot of people. But who really doesn't enjoy doing it? That's right, ME. I'm telling you, my poor tushy has been so deprived of vital blood flow it may need to be amputated. However, with just a little rubby-dubby of my poor, flattened pork chop from you, everything will be allllllll better. Ahhhhh, yahhhh, baby, yaaaaaaaaahhhh. That's it. Put your thumbs into it. And while you're working my ass, I'll lay down the law about all the new shows debuting this week. OOH! That's right! Punish that pootenanny!

* Complete Savages (ABC, 8:30 pm, debuts Fri Sept 24) Deadwood's Keith Carradine stars as the single dad to five fawking disgusting boys in this comedy produced by two writers for The Simpsons and... Mel Gibson? Well, since Gibson knows a thing or two about beating the shit out of people (see The Passion of the Christ), this John Birch Society sitcom should score.

* Dr. Vegas (CBS, 10 pm, debuts Fri Sept 24) Remember Rob Lowe's portrayal of a headband-wearing rock saxophone player in St. Elmo's Fire? His role as a doctor in a Las Vegas casino is even more ridiculous.

* Clubhouse (CBS, 8 pm, debuts Sun Sept 26) Produced by Aaron Spelling and (Gack! Not again!) Mel Gibson, this sickly sweet dramedy revolves around the travails of a 16-year-old batboy for a major-league baseball team. But hey! When things get boring (and I promise you they will), maybe Mel can spice things up by whipping the flesh off the shortstop.

* Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County (MTV, 10:30 pm, debuts Tues Sept 28) You can watch this real-life version of The O.C. , which follows seven teenage richie-riches living in Orange County, or you can watch the ACTUAL O.C. when it returns on November 4. And unless Summer Roberts drops by to whip her top off? I'm gonna pass.

* Kevin Hill (UPN, 9 pm, debuts Wed Sept 29) Speaking of taking one's shirt off, that's a pretty good reason to check out this show, too. Taye "Hottie McHotterson" Diggs stars as a hunky, high-powered lawyer and ladies man who (Ka-BOING!) is suddenly saddled with a 10-month-old kid! The downside? Poopy diapers. The upside? A new way to tap some of that coworker booty. Oh, yeah! HOLLA!

* Center of the Universe (CBS, 9:30 pm, debuts Wed Sept 29) Poor, poor John Goodman stars in this horrifically unentertaining sitcom that reminds me of watching Everybody Loves Raymond--while someone pulls out my fingernails with a pair of electrified pliers.

* Wife Swap (ABC, 10 pm, debuts Wed Sept 29) Two unappreciated moms from wildly different backgrounds trade lives for 10 days and whip each other's families into shape. See, I would totally volunteer for this show, except there's no hokey-porky with the visiting mom, and get this--she can't even offer an ass-rub! Jesus Christ! What's the freaking point?!?

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