I Love Television 

The Unfriendly Skies

As you know I have many, many readers. And according to demographic surveys, many of my readers like to travel by airplane. And many of those readers enjoy reading I Love Television™ while flying on a plane. From what these travelers tell me, reading I Love Television™ relaxes them, making their flight a more enjoyable, rewarding experience. Now if you happen to be one of those I Love Television™ readers sitting on an airplane, and you're reading this column... GET OFF THE PLANE! GET OFF THE PLANE RIGHT NOW!

Don't panic! Just leave your belongings and run screaming up the aisle to the emergency exit. Jump over the fat guy reading Sky Mall, pull the handle, toss aside the door, and hop out onto the wing. You may hear some people yelling at you. IGNORE THEM. Hang off the edge of the wing and drop to the ground--unless you're already in the air. Then you might as well just go back inside and await your inevitable and utterly gruesome death.

And stop looking at me like I'M the crazy one! In case you haven't heard, airplanes are fawked in the head! How do I know? TELEVISION, my doomed friends, TELEVISION. For those lucky enough to receive the National Geographic Channel... well, you're not lucky at all! Because this channel features the most horrifyingly scary show I've ever witnessed, entitled Air Emergency (Thursdays, 8 pm). Every week this show spotlights an incredibly scary TRUE example of an airplane crapping the bed mid-flight--and how the pilots succeeded (or FAILED) to solve the problem! Even worse, they do a dramatic recreation of the "air emergency" that is VERY realistic--in fact, too realistic for my lower spastic colon to endure!

In one episode, for example, a British airliner was having a perfectly calm and peaceful trip--UNTIL THE COCKPIT WINDOW BLEW OUT. The pilot gets sucked out the front window, and the only thing keeping him from falling 30,000 feet is the seatbelt that's tangled around his feet. Now, while the pilot's torso is bouncing around on the airplane roof, his legs have pinned the controls, sending the plane into a plummeting dive of death. The copilot is unable to control the plane, shit is flying around the cabin, the attendants are hanging on to the dangling pilot's legs for dear life, and the movie they're showing is Jersey Girl! I mean, how the fawk could things get worse?

Well, they do get worse, my friend. Much, much worse. In other episodes, wings snap off, planes run out of gas, and passengers catch on fire. And it always turns out to be the fault of some dumbass airplane mechanic who installed the wrong sized screw. By the end of Air Emergency, I'm usually huddled in the corner, sobbing my eyes out, swearing to God in heaven that I will never, ever step on another plane as long as I live. And that's what I call good television.

So if you're sitting on a plane right now, and you still happen to be reading this, just remember two things: (1) The chances of your plane's wing snapping off in mid-flight is extremely slim, and (2) if God had intended us to fly, he would have provided the mechanic with the right screw. Bon Voyage!

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