I Love Television 

Get Them Dukes!

[Editor's Note--Wm. Steven Humphrey is on vacation this week, which means you're invited to suffer through the following agonizing column from the "I Love Television™" archives. Enjoy!]

You know, when I was growin' up down South, there weren't nothin' I liked better than suckin' down a pint of moonshine, jumpin' in my pick-'em-up truck, and leading the local sheriff on a merry chase. Then, after leavin' him in a cloud of dust shakin' his fists and cussin' a blue streak, I'd go visit my cousin, Linda Lou Belle Sarah Jane Linda Lou Lou Belle Lou Linda Belle Belle, and we'd sneak off behind the barn, and… YEEEEEEEEEEE-HAW! We'd make so many inbred babies, there ain't a trailer park in the world big enough to hold 'em!

That's why I'm more tickled than a pink 'possum with a penile injection that The Dukes of Hazzard is being made into a major motion moving picture. For those who don't recollect, The Dukes of Hazzard is about two good ol' country boys, Bo and Luke Duke, who are as tasty lookin' as a pot of bubblin' pig guts (JUST LIKE ME!). They drive around in a souped-up, bright-orange '69 Dodge Charger called the "General Lee," along with their girly-girl cousin, Daisy Duke, who's got a body that would make Jesus hop down off the cross (JUST LIKE MY COUSIN, LINDA LOU BELLE SARAH JANE LINDA LOU LOU BELLE LOU LINDA BELLE BELLE!).

The bad guys include a blunderin' cop, Roscoe P. Coltrane--who acts like Don Knotts experiencin' a cerebral hemorrhage--and a big ol' fat politician, Boss Hogg, who smokes cee-gars and turns redder than an embarrassed tomato whenever them Duke boys escape. But mostly the show revolves around my fav-o-rite thing in the world--car crashes! Every episode has at least five demolished police cars, four car chases, and one aerial flip sending the General Lee flying over dumb ol' Roscoe's head, makin' him look like some kinda dad-blamed slack-jawed goober.

Another thing I have in common with them Duke boys is their affection for things explodin'. Just like them, I carried around sticks of dynamite in my truck--just in case. There ain't no problem a stick of dynamite can't solve. If the Duke boys see some city-slicker Mary-ju-wanna pushers sneakin' around… KA-BOOOOM! They throw a stick of dynamite at 'em. However, sometimes dynamite ain't necessary. Sometimes things just "blow up" by themselves. In one episode, they were chasing a truck full of stolen water heaters, and out of nowhere… KA-BOOOOM! The truck made an express delivery to the Pearly Gates, and those Duke boys saved themselves a stick of dynamite! YEEEEEEEE-HAW!! Thank you, Jesus!

So for all you Yankee carpetbaggers planning on makin' a trip down to the sunny South this year, it might be a good idea for y'all to study The Dukes of Hazzard reeeeeeal careful-like. Me and Linda Lou Belle Sarah Jane Linda Lou Lou Belle Lou Linda Belle Belle wouldn't want you jumping to any conclusions. Y'all come back now, ya hear?

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