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Star Trek: Party Naked

While life is always a tediously boring endeavor, this week there are TWO deliriously exciting developments in the world of television. First up, it's the train wreck we've been waiting practically our whole lives to see… the new Britney Spears reality show! EEEEEEEEE! Couldn't you just die!?

Debuting this Tuesday, May 17, at 9 pm on UPN, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic is a behind-the-scenes sneaky peek at the lives of Britney Spears and that wet bag of dope-smoking laundry she calls a husband, Kevin Federline. And while watching Kevin lying around on the couch playing videogames while Britney sucks down cigarettes and Cheetos may not sound very exciting, remember; you can always record it now, and fast-forward the tape later to get a hilarious time-lapse look at Britney's ballooning cellulite.

Historical TV landmark of the week #2! After years on life support, the "Terry Schiavo of Sci-Fi," Star Trek, is finally getting its plug pulled. The final episode of Star Trek: Enterprise will take its bow on Friday, May 13 at 8 pm on UPN, and barring any geek uprising, this will be the official END of the Star Trek franchise; a laundry list that includes the original series from 1966, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and the worst of the lot, Enterprise. Now, while I am no stranger to nerd-dom (see my continuing debates on why Aquaman is the worst superhero EVER), I have never been a fan of Star Trek. Why? Because its basic premise is HORSESHIT, my friend, HORSESHIT!

See, Gene Roddenberry (Star Trek's creator) believed that in the future, mankind would suddenly stop killing everyone for oil and devote their energy to promoting peace throughout the universe. While that's a nice thought, it's also… ohhh, how shall I put it… BOOOOOORRRRRIINNGGGG! Who wants to watch a show about that? Star Trek had the coolest technology EVER: photon torpedoes, transporter beams, and computers that could cook up any imaginable food instantly! And yet, none of these inventions were ever used for fun. (By the way, Data using the Holodeck to dress up like Sherlock Holmes does NOT count as "fun." Nerd.)

If one were so inclined (and I'm definitely not), there is still one way to save the Trek franchise--and that's with MY new idea for a show entitled, Star Trek: Party Naked! Here's the premise: Remember that wimpy stick-in-the-ass Wesley Crusher from Next Generation? Well in my show, he's been named captain of the wackiest ship in the universe, the U.S.S. Party Naked! Poor by-the-book Cap'n Crusher is ordered to take control of a crew of hard-drinkin', pill-poppin' astro-nuts who are constantly being put on probation by Federation bigwigs for a number of intergalactic infractions, such as: Romulan toga parties, banging hot moon dolls, smoking computer generated ganja, and accidentally overdosing a beamed-up donkey. (Waitasecond… I think I saw that last one in the Tom Hanks movie Bachelor Party. Regardless… it's always heee-larious!)

Anyway, don't let this momentous week in history go by without bidding farewell to Star Trek and Britney Spears' once slender thighs. After all, who knows if they'll have any more history in the future?

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