I Love Television 

The Humpy Awards™

If you're anything like me, then you're paralyzed from the waist down after spending the entire month on your ham watching exciting season finales! It seems that, according to my quack doctor, I've temporarily damaged my ass bone--which, unbeknownst to me, is directly connected to my spine, which, unbeknownst to me, operates everything from my trouser snake on down. And while it's pretty embarrassing to drag myself into the liquor store every day, masturbation has taken on a brand-new flair! (I'll leave the details to your imagination.)

But, lower-body paralysis and new masturbatory innovations aside, I have to say that 2005 was a damn fine year in television. That's why we should take time to celebrate with a little ceremony I like to call the HUMPY AWARDS™. Unlike other horribly tedious award shows, the Humpys™ champion the actors, characters, and shows everybody else seems to forget about. And even better, YOU get to help decide who gets the Humpy!

Nominate your faves for the following categories, and e-mail them to me at steve@portlandmercury.com by FRIDAY, JUNE 3. Even better, one lucky entrant will receive a Mystery TV T-shirt of my choosing, so be sure to include your shirt size as well as a mailing address--then I'll announce the winners of the Humpy Awards™ in a couple of weeks! OH, JOY! I bet if I could feel my penis, it would be sticking straight up! Here are the categories…

MOST AWESOMEST SHOW EVERYBODY EXCEPT ME HATES: Could it be Veronica Mars? Passions? Family Guy? The Tony Danza Show? You make the call!

BEST REALITY SHOW IN THE WORLD: There are so many! Project Runway, The Starlet, Showbiz Mom and Dads?

MOST ANNOYING REALITY SHOW IN THE WORLD: Again, so many! The Apprentice, American Idol, Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica?

FUNNIEST CHARACTER ON ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT: Is it Michael, Gob, Buster, Tobias, Lucille, Lucille II, Annyong, or my favorite, George-Michael?

FOR GOD'S SAKE, CANCEL THIS HORRIBLE SHOW: Alias, American Idol, Desperate Housewives, all the CSIs and Law & Orders?

I'M A NERD, THEREFORE I LIKE THIS SHOW: Battlestar Galactica, Star Wars: Clone Wars, Stargate, or Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers?

TOP TV MOMENT OF 2005: Like when that big fat crybaby broke down in the boardroom on The Apprentice? Or when a prom queen leapt into Clark's body on Smallville and he started acting all gay?

MY FAVE SHOW THAT HUMPY REFUSES TO WRITE ABOUT: Because me am dumb!

MAKE UP YOUR OWN DAMN AWARD! "Most Disturbing," "Best Dressed," "Most Infuriating," or "Best Hillbilly"--it's your choice!

HOTTEST HOTTIE I'D LIKE TO PORK--MALE! Clark Kent from Smallville? Tony Almeida from 24? Or perhaps that tool Seth Cohen from The O.C. ? Gimme that pork!

HOTTEST HOTTIE I'D LIKE TO PORK--FEMALE! How about Kate from Lost? Or maybe Lana from Smallville? Or Heidi Klum from Project Runway? Oh, yeah! If I could feel my nether regions, I'd serve them a plate of pork AND beans!

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