I Love Television 

Gimmee Dat Humpy!

If you're wearing shoes, better take them off--otherwise your socks are gonna get blown out your ass! Why? Because it's time for the awesomest awards ceremony ever… THE HUMPY AWARDS™! (Applause!) That's right, the Humpy Awards™ is the only television award ceremony that lets YOU vote for the shows you love and those you want to puke on. But before we start, let's learn about a new show debuting this week on… TELEVISION!

Are you a fan of the catty fashion reality show Project Runway? Well… this isn't that show. However! It is a blatant rip-off of Project Runway, and instead of hottie Heidi Klum playing host, it features fashion maven and probable burn victim Tommy Hilfiger. Not much of an improvement is it? Anyway, it's called The Cut, and premieres Thursday, June 9, at 8 pm on CBS. (This show has been given a "Mature Audience" rating for potentially frightening scenes of Tommy Hilfiger's face.)

Welcome back to the Humpy Awards™, where "I Love Television™" readers shoot off their mouths as well as in their pants. Here are your Humpy Award™ winners!

Most Awesome Show Everybody Hates Except Me: Your top three nominees were Gilmore Girls, The Tony Danza Show, and Judging Amy (oh my god). And the winner is… The Tony Danza Show! (Hey, you gotta do something when you're unemployed.)

Best Reality Show in the World: Will it be Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica, America's Next Top Model, or Project Runway? And the winner is… Sorry, Tommy Hilfiger, it's Project Runway!

Most Annoying Reality Show in the World: No contest here! By a landslide, the winner is American Idol. (Although the CBS Evening News is annoying as well.)

Funniest Character on Arrested Development: While almost every character was nominated, the three finalists are "Never Nude" Tobias, "Segway" Gob, and Buster "The Hook." And the winner is… "Segway" Gob!

Top TV Moment of 2005: Was it when Kate from Lost took a shower (YAH!), Chloe from 24 machine-gunned that goddamn terrorist (YAH!), or Ashlee Simpson choked on SNL (HAH!)? And the winner is… Chloe making Swiss cheese out of that asshole terrorist! (RAH!)

Hottest Hottie I'd Like to Pork--Male: Your excellent choices were Clark Kent from Smallville, Boone from Lost, and bullet-headed Vic Mackey from The Shield. And the winner is… the always porkable Clark Kent!

Hottest Hottie I'd Like to Pork--Female: "That egotistical judge from America's Next Top Model" (Janice Dickinson), "That Cylon hottie from Battlestar Galactica" (Tricia Helfer), and "That Korean chick from Lost" (Yoon-jin Kim). And the winner is… "That Korean chick from Lost" (Yoon-jin Kim)! She must be so proud.

Thanks to everyone who sent in nominations for the Humpy Awards™, but the winner of the free T-shirt is reader Corrina Parry of Astoria, New York, who came up with the following award in the "Make Up Your Own Damn Award" award category, and it is…

"Cripple I'd Most Like to Fuck: Dr. Gregory House from House!" Congrats Corrina, and for your kinky inventiveness, you'll receive a complimentary Tony Danza Show T-shirt courtesy of "I Love Television™"! (Sure, Tony's no Dr. House, but he is mentally crippled!)

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